December 12, 2010

It Felt So Real.

I had a dream last night. It was all messed up. That's how almost all of my dreams are. Messed up. They mashes everything together, places, people, informations. Mostly places. There was once i dreamt school was right in front of my house. Creepy.

About that dream, there were essences of Harry Potter, Queen of England's family reunion, Katy Perry and so much more. It sounds weird, I know, that's why it's called dream and not reality.
The  most realistic moment I had in that dream that I can't quite get my mind off of it was when the principal brought me somewhere to talk and he wanted to change my seat because he knows I hate seating beside this one girl who just can't get her eyes off the all the princes. He then proceeded by saying I could have one person I know to be seated next to me. I knew who I wanted that person to be but before I could say his name the principal pointed to the picture. I was so excited when I see his face on the screen. As I turned around there he was standing with his broad shoulder and an undeniably familiar smile carved beautifully on his face. I rushed to his way and fling my arms wide open only to wrap it around him tightly. We didn't say a word, just the warmth of our bodies flows between us keeping each other warm. It's the feeling of being secured in your loved one's arms, feeling of being loved. It's so beautiful. I never wanted it to end.
I remember how strong it was, how secured and safe I felt in his arms. I grip on his jacket and just pulling him in even more. It just felt so real..

I know now, that's what I've been craving for. It's been so empty until it came to me. Eventhough it was just a dream, that moment gave me enough joy from the experience of just knowing how it feels like to be loved by someone, that moment is enough to spark a new hope in my life. A new kind of smile to start a new life.

SPM is OVER..well, almost.

I still have one last paper this Wednesday. All 9 subjects are done, the one left is EST.

Revising back on what I had gone through this past few months..
First of all, I felt like I'd better off dead. In my case, suicide would be a sin. Sleeping however is the closest I can get to being as peaceful as being dead. Almost all the time I wished I could sleep and never wake up again. Curiosity adds to this guilty pleasure of mine when I wondered what would it be if I'm gone.
One can only wonder so much..

I tried putting back all the pieces together, I had to. What do I have left anyway?
Searching for even the tiniest piece of happiness and joy to my life that made me the way I am and helped me get through this life. I did it. I think. Almost.

So school is over. Finally. No more highschool, no more drama, no more dealing or meeting with hypocrites. Not really, I mean these stuffs don't just disappear from your life after highschool. There're many things worst out there and I can only hope I can survive them alone.

October 24, 2010

You Didn't Lie, You Just Didn't Tell The Truth

"I know the real truths behind your words that night", oh sweetie how I wish I could say this to you.
I knew that night's conversation over the phone wasn't enough for me. I knew I needed more than just words if you want me to believe you were telling the truth.

You said, you truly cared about me. I believed you.
What you don't know is the next night I talked to Mia. That moment you and her were having some problems. She told me that night, you called and texted her a few times. Saying sorry and apologizes for things you don't even know what you've done. And when she forgave you, you said that you love her over and over again.

For others reading this might sound like there's nothing wrong with that. But there is, for me.

What I don't get is, why is that you put so much effort to consult Mia for her forgiveness? But you didn't put that much effort on me when I ignored you, the same way Mia did? In fact, you did nothing to consult me. Not even a tiny effort.

It hurts, like hell.
I think the reason you didn't just tell me I'm not important to you that night was because I was crying. Or perhaps, because you can't stand having one person just not caring about you anymore. I don't know.
All I know now, is where you put me in your life. I can see it clearly where I stand now.
I don't mean much to you. Never have been that important to you. Guess what, you were once the only bestfriend I care in this world. Apparently, you have someone better than me. Well, you could've just told me the truth and I would've stop having faith in us. I could've dodged the bullet.

October 23, 2010

Moving On To Depressions

It happens all the time. Right when I found someone who could make me the person they care the most in the whole world, somebody else snatches them away. It hurts even more painful if the person who stole them away from me is someone I know.

Everything I do, every good deeds I do comes with only one purpose. I don't ask for anything else than appreciation. Because maybe someday one of them would decide to care about me more than they care about anyone else.

I need someone who will understand me. Someone who would give me their full attention to. Someone who would notice and smile the moment I walk in the room. Someone who will never get distracted when I talk to them. Someone who will treat me like I'm special than other girls in the room. Someone who just won't get distracted from me even when my beautiful bestfriends are under the limelight. Someone who isn't easily impressed by how talkative and friendly and lovely my beautiful bestfriends could be. Just, someone who proved they do not want anybody else than me and only me, for who I am.


This year is the toughest for me. What's worst is how empty it feels in my chest.
I thought I needed someone who could make me feel so special to them. Someone who I haven't met yet.
I need somebody to love me and only me.

Recently, I found a black kitten in my school. At the same time, Buzz the turtle, my family's pet died. My dad took it the hardest. It has been part of the family for  about14 years. I had the urge to bring the kitten home and I did. I figured it might be my new bestfriend. The one I could talk to and get comfort. It's like my new baby.
But my dad always keep interrupting when I try to bond with it. I figured since I brought it home then it's technically mine. I named him Mute cause he doesn't meow much. But my dad named him Tam. I disagreed, but we both didn't want to give up the names. I hated that my dad keeps trying to win his love more than me.

I know what you're thinking, love. It's common jealousy. I don't deny that's true. But I know I deserved Mute's love more than him because I took him. I deserved more love because, I don't get much from anyone. It's funny, I figured that the reason I brought him home was because I thought maybe this little animal will give the love I needed when I don't get much from human beings. But instead, my dad overshadowed me and I lost another host to love.

It gives me another reason to leave everything and get my own life. I need to go somewhere else.

I Shouldn't Exist.

Hi, love. I'm back, for now.

These past few months has been amazingly tiring for me. There's a split seconds that I feel like I have all the happiness I deserved. Then one moment I feel like I should suffocate to death.
What has got into me?

I have everything but at the same time I have nothing.
Everything I have are a united family, friends who accept me for who I am, not so bad grades in school, great home,  slight freedom to do anything I want and other leverages I can't recall.
These "everything" means nothing anymore ever since I doubt where I stand on this Earth.
For everytime, everyday, whenever I'm with anyone I will question myself "Do I mean anything to you?"
I questioned my purpose of being there for them. I wonder if I am in the same position in their life like how they are in mine.
I questioned if I'm ever needed in their life. If  they will ever remember me. If I'm ever in their first thought. If I'm ever someone's priority in their life.

Somehow, even in my family's eyes I couldn't see that my existence mean anything. Let alone in my friends eyes. Despite getting several attentions or love, I still doubt my place in everyone's heart.

It's not just because of how I'm treated, but how I treat couple of people that sometimes make me have a tendency to just cast everyone out of my life. If it means I won't get hurt and I won't hurt anyone then, maybe being independent and alone is better.

August 13, 2010

All That I Asked

“She wants to know if I love her, that’s all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer

July 28, 2010

Written In The Dark

Hey, It's me, the girl you used to know, the bestfriend you had faith on, the reliable one who had always been there for you. The girl named Hani who cherished you as her bestie.

This girl, me, I miss you.

I know that you might never going to read this. That's okay because even if you do, its not going to change anything.

I've been so conceited and selfish ever since I lost my trust on everyone. I just can't let myself feel that weak again. I got crushed so bad, you don't know how much that changed me. What's more painful was you don't even notice the differences in me.

I'm not writing this to tell you what we did wrong. I just want to tell you how I truly feel right now. Cause the girl who's been responding to you all this time -since we made peace- is an autopilot. It's a mask, better yet an act I've been struggling to master. But looks like I'm doing it pretty well.

Right now, I'm being humble as I can and honest in my every word. But when we see each other out there, in school, I won't be this way, I'll act as if I never mentioned this.

Here goes, I miss being there for you anytime you need me. I miss to be the first to know your latest news. I miss having a twin sister from another father. I miss laughing with you, I miss giving advices when you're clueless, I miss saying 'jinx' everytime we say the same word at the same time. Most of all, I miss having you in my life.

Sometimes I wish I never had felt that pain. I wish we never had hurt each other. I wish we could forget about it and erase the scars.

When you confessed about how hard it was for you when I left. You said you cried and it stumped you when I said I was the one who hurt you the most while this whole time I've been protecting you from getting hurt. What an irony..

At that moment we could've put those pieces back together. Everything could've been back to normal. But it was too late you see, all I wanted from you was to tell me that you need me in your life. But by the time you gave that to me was when you're already sober and because I know you so well, my selfish alter ego started to strike. In my head at that very moment was thinking if I tell you that what you just told me was exactly what I wanted to hear, you'd throw it back at my face and put the blame on me.

Because you look like you've gotten over me and if I show a little weakness in me, you'd manipulate it to make it look like its all my fault for leaving you when you already know I left because I was hurt by how I was treated. But you refused to take note of that part and continue to try putting me on the guilty chair.

That's what you always do to everyone and why shouldn't I take note of that outcome before I decide to confess that you've nailed the golden answer.

The reason I went all out on the argument was because I can't give you that forgiveness until you say those words. A proof that I am wanted, needed and not just another pair of good jeans. I needed to know that before I can forgive you because I know that if I forgive you without getting an answer, you would act as if it never happened. As if all those heartache I told you meant nothing to you and all you do is to treat me just as same as before, another pair of your good jeans.

I didn't leave you at first. I just walked away, letting go of your hands slowly..waiting you to stop me. But you didn't. Instead of stopping, I keep on walking and finally left you out of my sight..

These words, emotions, tears and heartache stays here. I don't intend it to go any further or goes out of this region. What you read here, let it stay in here.

June 25, 2010

Leave me a message right after the 'Beep'

Hey, I won't be posting for a  long period of time. I'm focusing on my priority now which is the SPM examination. Love, Hugs & Kisses. I already miss you bloggie :(

I'm currently using Twitter, a lot, as a place to pour out my thoughts in any second anytime anywhere. So it's easier than pouring it here cause I know once I sit and start to type on Blogger, I'd take a whole lot of time. I can't allow that to happen. Can't take that risk. So Twitter's to the rescue! I still love you deeply, Bloggie.

I'll be back next year. Promise. Unless ofcourse, if i have a very very important stuff to share and I just have to write it here then I'll be back in a jiff.

P.S: Don't give up on me yet.

June 5, 2010

Oh Boy

Boy, you got me trippin n' tumblin just by the second you take a breath. hahah
That's it. I'm putting my foot down and i'm just going to say this once, "I want a best-gay-boy-friend".

i'll explain later :p

I Thank You, Mr.

I got over him. That's quite a big accomplishment for me. So i'm telling you, each one of you, no matter how many comes in my life, makes their mark and then leave, the only words each of you worth getting from me are, "If i can get over him, i can get over anyone".
But wait, i can't be sure of that, can i? well, maybe not.
But somehow the fact is, i might not get over it, but i'll get used to it.

May 16, 2010

She's 17!

Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to me C=
Yeah, i'm getting old. 17 years of living has been pretty much adventurous to me. many has changed, gone through so much, but still not enough. There're many more experiences i need to discover.

Still very tired from the party.
Supposedly my birthday was on 14th May but i held my party today on 15th May because it's weekend.
It started good. Regina and Syahirah were the early birds from school since there was an activity. They both came along with me and my dad to get my cake and buy a packet of marshmallows. We ran around in that mall like couple of kids found candyland.

Farah came just in time when our stomach were craving for food. We eat, snap pictures. eat, snap pictures until more people arrived. Syasya, Shaffrul, Aindayu, Abby and Adzram arrived respectively. After eating, Regina played my dad's guitar and Syasya played the keyboard, Shaff was playing the 'Kompang' and we made a band together. Hahah.

Husna, Irsyad and Teena came pretty late and i almost slice the cake without them cause time wasn't on my side and Syahirah needed to go back home at 3pm. When they arrived, immediately i pushed them to eat first then we bring the cake out. We sang 'Happy Birthday' song, pictures and more pictures were snapped. I sliced the cake for everyone. I couldn't help myself to wait any longer cause i really wanted to play the 'chubby bunny' game.

The game was to stuff your mouth with marshmallows as many as you could but you have to say 'chubby bunny' everytime you put another marshmallow inside your mouth. hahah. Should've seen their faces, everyone were so chubby. After that, we all walked to Wangsa Walk. It was tiring for someone who just had fever like me. Yes, i had fever on my birthday but it all worth it. Arrived at the mall 3.32 pm, such luck, the bowling was fully booked and the only movie we could watch was 'Ice Kacang Puppy Love'. hahah

We decided to buy a horror DVD movie instead and go back to my house. Husna and Irsyad bought 5 large popcorns and i bought secret recipe's beverages. The drinks weren't  ready and my dad already arrived in the long line of traffic jam. He got really pissed because he had to make another turn to fetch us. It's bad, but i always do that. Hahah, sorry dad :p
and sorry to Husna, Irsyad and Abby for scaring you guys. hahah

We watched the movie in my living room with lights off and curtains shut, eating popcorns, screams and squeals. Everything turned out quite fine. The party ended pretty late than expected but i had a blast :D

Thanks guys, for showing up on my party. Sorry for any wrongs or mistakes that happened and thanks for putting up with it. Thanks again for such great party in this last year we are having together. Im grateful for having all of you in my life. Love, hugs and flying kisses ;)

P.S: pictures will be uploaded soon.

May 9, 2010

I've figured it all out

I love figuring things out. I study people and from my observation i figure them out, also from everything that happens to me. I've figured it out. I don't exactly know what but i know i've figured it out. My mind is semiclear but i can't be sure of what that thing is that i've solved.

First, i felt this while i was watching American Idol result show. It's when Lee said something about getting overconfidence. "It's true, i criticize myself the worst" from there, a branch of thought came out and it sounds something like, "Even when i did great like what everybody said, it's still not good enough to me." Conclusion, that is what keeps him go harder and harder on himself, that's why he keeps getting better. He works hard because he thinks he's still not good enough.
To me, that's one way to be success effectively.

Next, i have figured out all the roads i can take to build myself a future in every way, in every lifestyle i can think of that is possible for someone like me to go through. There's so many but none of it is vivid. The bad side is that every possible road changes me. Might even shape me into someone i don't even like, or someone i never thought i'd ever be. But all the roads lead me to become a success and independent woman that i long to be, whether i'm happy or not. But whatever i do, whereever, whenever, whoever i become, happiness is part of it. Even if i fall in the gutter, i'd lift my head up and watch the stars beautify the midnight sky. I can feel the spark of happiness only by feeling the sun shines down on me. Because i know i live.

About those roads, i'll get to it later. So much to think, so much to write, so little time.

I always do this, somehow it brings a pinch of joy and a little chuckle to my empty soul when i see the sun shines through my finger.

May 5, 2010

I'm still standing

And then she ask me, "Aren't you sad?".

It's definitely a burden. But if there's shadow, there's light. It's best to focus on what brings joy in my life.
Problem with people and problem with studies is completely different. I don't need shits from people to waste my time, i have better and worthy things to care than them. So yes, sadness had been overwhelmed my life lately. But doesn't mean i'm out of happiness in my other hand. The only way i can bear this is by looking at the bright side where i can see the light and ignore those eerie shadows behind me that constantly try to eat me up.

April 25, 2010

Girl, you're not worth it.

I have some things i wanted to say, but i won't say it cause i saw in you how unimportant it is to save this broken friendship, i saw that in every way you move. That's when i realized how unimportant you're supposed to be to me.
Conclusion, I'm not going to write those words i've thought awhile ago because you're just not worth it.

And, i vowed to myself, i will not be the one to show the white flag first. Because i know you very well, if i be the one who goes and say how unsated i feel, you'd put all the blame on me and make me look like a fool. Your own words will definitely be like this, "You were the one who started it. You wanted out and not care about me anymore. Now, you're making a fuss about me not caring about us?".

Cyeah, i can imagine it in 3D. You care, i know you do cause i see that in your eyes everytime we meet. But you just can't show it and tell me yourself because of your ego. You never praise anyone but you love being praised. You never give attention to anyone else but you crave for theirs. You love to be cared but honestly, you don't care about anyone.

Alright, yes. I started it because you don't treat me like i treat you. I started it because i thought it's the only way I could make you see how i feel. I started it because i wanted to see how much i mean to you. But hey! i forgot how cold and selfish you are to even show how you really feel. I've said this before, i guess for you 'us' just not worth to fight for.

If that so, then you're not worth my time anymore.

P.S: I really want to say goodbye but i'm gonna have to see your face every morning in assembly, so, whatever.


I know i'll love this movie.

Mary-Kate: You will stay like this forever.
Kyle: Like what?
Mary-Kate: As aggressively unattractive outside as you are inside.

Lindy: Why am i here?
Kyle: Because you need to be protected.

Woman: She would like you if you're being yourself.
Kyle: What? This self or the jerk i was.
Woman: The man i know you to be.

Kyle: Pretty gruesome huh.
Lindy: I've seen worst.

April 20, 2010

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

I got this 'thought' of an entry about 5 minutes ago. Replaying the moment when my private tutor said something about my pictures when he was ransacking my new Blackberry Storm. I was surprised how much he was surprised to find out what i can do with a short time of photoshoot and an effortless of editing to my photos. Brought him to suggest me a few careers he thought i'd consider to pursue. But when he asked me this, it kept me thinking.
"Why do you like it? Why is it your hobby?"

About 10 minutes ago before i was staring at this used-to-be-empty screen, it ringed my complex mind of why i enjoy taking photos, surfing for more in random sites just to satisfy branches and branches of curiosity in finding out beauties that a single period of life couldn't offer. And possibly along with the reason why i couldn't or just not comfortable to have anyone even my parents to see me in the process of making it.

Straightforwardly, it makes me feel beautiful. I'm not being cocky here, just stay and keep reading and i hope you'll understand.
Photoshoot captures alot of pictures from every possible angles that has the potential to provide the best natural lighting. It's not about capturing sexiness, hotness or fierce. Do take note that i am talking about my photoshoot and not some high fashion photoshoot. That, ofcourse is completely different.
I focus more about decency. What seems like good enough to me is, good enough. After editing and retouching a few minor flaws that are forgiveable to cast out of the picture, i may or may not display it to the public.

It's a pleasure really when people ask "Is this you? You look different."
That's what motivates me to do more. Photography is a beautiful thing. It doesn't change anything it potrays in what was captured eventhough the people in it have changed. And what i love about it, why i love to take pictures and edit it is because,

maybe we'll see the beauty that cannot be seen with our naked eyes.
maybe it proves that the beauty i see is actually real and not just my imagination.
maybe it proves that you are beautiful eventhough nobody ever tells you that. 
maybe it shows the beautiful side of you, the only side that no one ever cares enough to see.

I think it's all of the above. But most of all, maybe a single click of a button that captures such stunning photo of yourself proves that you don't need anyone to tell you that you're beautiful when you could just see it for yourself in a mere piece of material.

This is long enough and normally i'd stop here, but i have to include the reason why i need my privacy when i'm photoshooting and retouching. I've thought about it especially when my tutor asked me why i couldn't let my parents know about my 'hobby', well i could and my mom already knows but not in a way of knowing how much it means to me. I don't really know why but i guess maybe i feel insecure when having somebody watching my every action. It's feels like scared of what they think of my picture, scared if they'll criticize my work and that will definitely sweep off my mood to do my best, scared that they'll tell me how bad i am cause i know i'm not a professional and as if i'm not good enough to do all that. Maybe there was a traumatic time in my past that makes me feel the need for it to be privately done.

P.S: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder means that different people will find different things beautiful and that the differences of opinion don't matter greatly.

March 30, 2010

Tough Cookie

"We go days without having a meaningful conversation, and i use to miss you so much when that happened, but it never seemed like you missed me. And i guess because of it, i stopped missing you."

I've said this before, when caring hurts i tend to stop. Lately it's been hard for me eversince i realized im losing yet another friend of mine which i also thought would be one of those people who'll stay close to me longer than anybody else. I was wrong, again, i stand corrected by a slight punch of reality on the face.
This is the second time one of my bestfriend act as a disappointment to me. But this time, it opened the path to the light where i make my decision that i have no one to wait anymore.

Therefore, total independence seemed like the only choice i have left for myself. It's true though, being ignored or left out from certain important people in your life does make an impact to your journey for the future. Whether you bring along some company or walk by yourself and not looking back to wait for anyone.

Many say, high school is the best period in your lifetime but i can't wait to get out of there. Same shit, different day. I see teachers who i couldn't remember their names, i see my not-so-lifelong friends, and most of all i see assholes inhabiting the school. They're more likely the opposite of the 'apple of my eyes'.

Looking at the bright side through my glasses, i had it all figured out. It's funny everytime my friendship ends, it must be somewhat connected to phonecalls.
After she called for her request, i said im fine with what she wanted. After awhile a little voice ringed, "That's one way for her to say she doesn't want to hang out with you anymore." Im good. But i feel used.

Imagine you're a book and someone finally checked you out of the library out of a million books. Imagine the feeling after they've read you, noted what's contained under those layers of skin or page, and finally after they've learned enough they throw you away as if they've sucked every skill and information out of you and that you're no use to them anymore. That's how i feel, being used.

But it wasn't that hard for me to move on. Im a tough cookie. The only relevant thing to do is looking at the bright side, "At least now i don't have to wait for anyone to catch up with me anymore."

March 20, 2010

Be Grateful

One time

Couple weeks ago i promised i'd write about songs i can relate to under 'i'm too good to play with love' entry. I had time to write about every song, well, at least that's what i thought. But i tried anyway and i only got to one singer. So here's what i think of Justin Bieber. Written last month, i think, with his songs replaying in my playlist.

Heard of him, heard of his song once before and didn't have a slight interest in him. Just a few days ago i started listening to his songs and yeah, i do have some of his songs in my playlist.
Now, i know some really hate this boy. Not me, but i don't like him either. Neither am i denying he is adorable, but dangerous. hahah
So, here's why.
Of all the songs in my playlist, when i shuffle, each song that comes out talking shit about love, oh how she/he makes you feel. Blablabullshit..stuffs that doesn't make me feel any better, ya know. But then his song came up and something about it just lightened me up :)
It opened my younger days photo album in my head. Those happy times, having fun playing, running and then of course those puppy love i had to some random boys. haha
Justin reminded me of how it felt being a kid again. How i felt when i was a little girl imagining any of my crushes would come and say he likes me too. haha!
And listening to his singing is like a kitten begging for some milk. It's adorable (okay, i mentioned that already)

March 17, 2010

March 15, 2010

Here goes nothing

Dear diary,
scratch that*

Dear Bloggie,

I had some dreams last couple nights. Couldn't remember parts of it. All that's left are still very vague.
My defense, even after i woke up i didn't realize i had those dreams. Until..

A picture, a shot of him came in my mind without a warn or even a string attached to any of my thoughts at the moment.
I wondered why he was wearing a black shirt in that picture. Unlike always, white shirt and an innocent look on his face. Yet, he looks, tall and sharp. Sort of, cute..caugh* in a very disturbing way. Roll eyes*

In the dream,
It has that scent or an atmosphere that something like an event is going on.
Cause everyone is wearing casual yet sharp in another perspective. I figured it could be either a class reunion or God forbid, our SPM 2010's result.
Anywho, im wearing a baju kurung and hijab (ofcourse, it's at school). Im smiling, laughing, not caring who's watching or even expecting anything. Then,

A flash, i saw it from my peripheral sight. Right then i knew it's something i've been terrified of. I didn't want to believe it, why should i since all this time it's been falsely alarmed. Why should i..
Not this time, i looked anyway, out of curiosity. We've all heard of this, curiosity kills the cat? Well, it killed me. Took my breathe away. I knew it.
He came..
Black shirt, glasses, spikey hairdo, pink lips, sharp eyes, broad shoulders, muscular, same body language, same walk, same smile..just like i last remember him.
Numb on the spot, i stand like a stone. Heavily breathing, not a single word comes out. I know what Teena must be thinking, hell, i know how her face looks like at that moment. Right behind me, she stands still not saying a word. I know she's shocked as much as i am. I know she's looking at me to see my reaction.
I know she must thought i'd faint right there. I know..I know.

"Hani..", she called me. That's all i needed to hear to snap me out of it. I looked down on the dirty floor, maybe i am fainting. Cry, damn it. Why wouldn't i cry and get this over with. Im out of tears, im out of breath. Shit.

'Close your eyes and breathe'..I instructed myself.
Finally, im breathing. I look up and i see all my friends put on their worried face. Aki, looking confused, not knowing what happened thought i had SPM panic attack. chuckle*
Everything's alright, i told myself. Just have to get the result, be grateful with it and go home, yeah, that simple. Right?

Walking to the door of the office in the hallway, i stopped.
Trying as hard as i could to hold on, looking nowhere but straight and make way for him to walk..pass me, first..
What hurts the most? Every unanswered questions pop out in my mind at once.
Does he remember me? Can he see me? Can he see through my chest and into my unhealed wound? Can't he see that im a wreck?...and, How are you?

~The End~

Like i said, its vague. I can't remember what happened next. But the emotions, it felt so real. I had to ask myself, did it really happened?
Of course not. But at least i got to say to myself, that's how you'll  react if you ever see him again, and I told you so.

March 12, 2010

Cheers to us

“This is for the girls who don’t always win, who stay up all night listening to music that inspires them to do the impossible. The girls who laugh, smile, cry, and think, all on a daily basis. The girls who like, learn, love, and regret. The girls who may not always have it easy. The girls who learn the hard way and live to tell about it. The real girls. Here’s to them. Cheers.” — Molly

He kissed her but he couldn't see her

no comment. Just absolutely loving this picture. simple yet says million words describing it's moment.

March 11, 2010

G a y

Don't you think it's, just sad when hot guys are gay? Seriously, i mean he could get any girl he wants and yet he only set eyes for men. sigh*
What a bummer.

March 7, 2010

Road for the future

So it's been months, yes months and i still haven't figure out what i want my career to be in the future. I don't know what im capable of!
It's the most frustrating thing my head has ever been thinking about. Eventually after a plenty of reseaches, i found this one site to suggest your career based on you, yourself. I did one of it's quiz and the result is kind of a bullseye. Everyone should try,

My Quiz Results

People with Blue interests like activities that allow them to be creative. This can be through more traditional visual arts, writing or musical pursuits although not limited to these. The creativity is often expressed in thinking of new ideas or strategies that can have a broad range of applications. Blue interests often like thinking about the future and planning for long term benefits. Hobbies include: performing or listening to music, attending theater, story telling, journaling, decorative arts, painting.

Career choices often are:
Strategic Planner
Performing Arts
Research and Development

People with Yellow strengths are good at managing details and creating sophisticated processes that allow them to get complex work done. Once a game plan has been put in place, it is implemented. Their decisions are based on facts and carefully reasoned. When working with other people, they are fair and democratic and always can be counted on to deliver what they commit to.

Hehe. Im still not sure of what i want to be. sigh
God, show me the light!

instant quote: 'People planned not to fail, but they failed to plan', it means even if you achieved your goal not to fail in the exam, you'd fail in life if you don't plan sooner.

Shoot meh!

Im obsessed with photography. Beauty in photos which can't be seen by our naked eyes. Im longing for my own camera, i adore polaroids. They're...instant beauty! you dont have to wait couple days to see what you've shot and think back what were you thinking when you took the picture or neither do you have to open your computer and seek through the files one by one just to find that one photo. Instead polaroid is instant! you see something amazing, hold the camera up, push the button and the photo comes out. love it! i want one.

The reason it's been in my head for awhile cause im thinking of an idea to lighten up my room by decorate a wall. Paint it, put some pattern maybe some textures. And then came this thought of a wall of polaroids. it'd be cool :D

Polaroid camera isn't the only one im craving for now. A digital is also in my wishlist. I love art, any form of art as long as its interesting. Since drawing, painting, singing, dancing, and designing are some of my talents which im not very good at, thats why they're my hobbies instead of the main thing i do. Photography is the best i could do. The only problem is i dont have any camera (phone's camera is out of this subject), i meant real camera. I want it, i want it. grr

March 5, 2010

Another Day

My eyes shut hard wishing i could somehow teleport myself somewhere else. Place where no one's cheering his name. And i thought to myself, this is only a minor bumper and i've already felt like this. What if the major is he himself standing right in front of me? What would i do? Or worst, will i be able to breathe?

Today, my school's headmistress retired and they held one hell of a farewell ceremony. I didn't want to come at first but i figured i got nothing to lose so i went. Thought that both my friends who insisted me to come would make it at least less boring but boy, how i was right about i should've not attended school today.
Starting was okay, but then we got to the part where i knew i'd be bored to death when Syasya and Regina start talking to themselves once we sit in the hall.
For those friends i have, some didn't come and others took part in the performances. So i stucked with those two, and dont get me wrong, i love them but it's so predictable how i'll end up. Sometimes it happens so many times to you with different friends but same attitude makes you an unofficial psychic to excellently predict what and how the rest of the day with them will go. Yes, i study people alot.

Fast forward those speeches blah blah blah and we get to the performances.
Overall it wasn't that bad. They gave their all, i like that. But then came an unexpected guest for the day, a famous local singer came and performed two of his songs. I won't mention his name here cause it's Z, he's not Z. They just have the same freakin name. Here's the problem, apparently only for me, i don't hate him but definitely not a fan of him making his appearance there. I think i was the only girl didn't waste my voice shouting for him. Blame Z for that, if i had never met Z i'd probably enjoyed his performances thoroughly.

To make this clear that im not being overly shallow i'll explain why.
He, the singer, is like the reflection of Z. They're almost the same. He was a very chubby teenager (fat is a strong word) and got thinner and muscular. He sings, plays guitar, involves in music. Those cute chinese eyes that i adore so much. The only differences are Z's alot fairer and was an ass to me.
Anything, anything that reminds me of Z makes me numb, it depresses me. Even the singer's songs remind me of him. So yeah, i was depressed he came and sang those songs which fyi, it doesn't make any sense to me why im listening to it now in my playlist. Can you blame me for being vulnerable and irritated whenever it pokes me? sigh.

Enduring the pain..that's all i can do most of the time. The crowd kept screaming his name but it was too numb to feel the excruciating pain. But i guess i should mention this, the singer did made me laugh with his undeniable cute clumsiness. Maybe that's why i don't mind listening to his songs now.

March 2, 2010

Instant Quote

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen
But it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want" -Unknown

When you know it, you know it. Nobody can say you dont know what you're feeling or that thing inside you that believes in what you know is not like how you think it is.
They dont know how it feels like to just know it.

I'm the girl who..

March 1, 2010

When I Look At You

When I Look At You by Miley Cyrus

I'm missing something i've never had.
It feels like trying to remember someone i've never met.
I'm sad. I don't know how to mend my spirit back together cause i don't know why i'm sad, you see.
I dont know what causes this grief to take over me.
I'm lost like Alice, and i want to go back home to where i was before, to where i'm supposed to be, where i belong.
But somehow i doubt 'home' will ever feel the same again once i've felt this way.
Leave a trail please, so i can find a place more comfortable for this new perspectives.

February 28, 2010

I've changed, I know.

I've been hurt enough that i had to.

Instant Quote: 'You don't know me. You never did, and you never will.' - Supernatural

Here's What Really Happened

It all started like this,


In the end, we might not be bestfriends anymore, but we're still friends.
She craves attention from others as if mine was not enough for her.
I left, accepting the fact that i'll never be enough for her.
With hope someday she'll find somebody worth a thousand spotlight.

Im not here to impress you

One Day

Pride And Prejudice

Mr. Darcy: How are you this evening, my dear?
Elizabeth: Very well... although I wish you would not call me "my dear."
Mr. Darcy: [chuckles] Why?
Elizabeth: Because it's what my father always calls my mother when he's cross about something.
Mr. Darcy: What endearments am I allowed?
Elizabeth: Well let me think...”Lizzie" for every day, "My Pearl" for Sundays, and...”Goddess Divine"... but only on *very* special occasions.
Mr. Darcy: And... what should I call you when I am cross? Mrs. Darcy...?
Elizabeth: No! No. You may only call me "Mrs. Darcy"... when you are completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy.
Mr. Darcy: Then how are you this evening... Mrs. Darcy? Mrs. Darcy...Mrs. Darcy...Mrs. Darcy...Mrs. Darcy...

February 25, 2010

February 24, 2010

I'm too good to play with love

I can relate so many new songs that i'm currently in love with. Unfortunately it's midnight and i've got homework to do. Thinking i'll update this later with more elaboration about each song. Anyhow, the songs are:-
Casanova by Esmee Denters feat Justin Timberlake
One Time by Justin Bieber
Terrified by Katharine Mcphee
White Horse by Taylor Swift
Careful With Words by Aly & AJ.

February 21, 2010

Personal Journal

My life is a journal. i'm the main character and everyone i meet are minor characters. They may come and go, but my journal continues as long as i live.

Im not alone but im on my own

I write, i type every words i think is proper, acceptable to show the meaning and at least decent enough to make it sound exactly the same like how you'd hear it coming out of my mouth. Because words can be said in any kind of tone. A person can judge the emotion of another by it's tone of voice and let me tell you something. All this time, my tone in every word in every entry i've wrote here is the same tone i use only when im calm. Calm enough to let it all flow out of my mind, whatever was buried or patched for a moment before.

Before i wrote this i told myself, i want to write whatever comes out of my mind. Doesn't matter what emotion i'm in, doesn't give a damn if those word seems unfair, critism, inconsiderate, selfish or even rebellious to some human. Cause that's exactly how i feel, exactly what im thinking at that moment. I know it'll be far more meaningful when i read back in the future because i'll know how i felt when i wrote it. I know my own tone when i read my writings, i myself, no one else could ever know myself better than i do. No one else.

That is why i always say i don't like shallow judgemental people. They don't know me, i don't know them and none of us could ever know better than ourselves.
They judge their caracters, their acts, their words. Labels, labels, labels.
As if they know everything, as if they always right, well guess what?
If we judge them back they'll say, "who do you think you are? you dont know me."
Well, you dont know me either so mind your own bussiness and don't label people.
Cause we're all born the same way, live, laugh, love the same way, die and goes back to ground too.
So humans, ask yourself what makes you think you're better than others?

P.S: do take note of this, the last paragraph is not personal matter or whatsoever. it's the same thing i see in every person i meet, i care because this topic is tagged in my mind. Even a simple story i hear from people my brain automatically takes me to this matter.
It's uncontrollable, it's my mind thinking in general.

February 20, 2010

Left Right Left Right

Went out last Tuesday. I got my military blazer! yeay! my eyes didn't stop lingered through every clothes. The urge to buy them was just too much to ignore. Its was so tempting, imagine if all the clothes have mouth and eyes, they'd be calling out my name "Hani, Hani..come n' get me". hahah
But i could've not been more happier after i found the blazer i wanted so much. Thats the only reason i can control myself not to buy the most cutest blouse i've ever seen. shakes head*
Next time Hani, next time. sigh*

Here's a funny story, back home while trying it out with every shirts and dresses i coincidently found, my sister's old blazer which was given to me. I totally forgot about it and truth be told, *whispering* i like that one better. HAHA!
Shhh, dont tell the military blazer ;p

From left, the military blazer and my sister's. which one's your pick?

February 19, 2010

February 17, 2010

Not Judgemental.

I recently rung up a young boy and his mother. When he saw me at the register, wearing a hijab, he grinned broadly at me. As they were walking away afterwards, he tugged on his mom's sleeve and said,

"Did you see her, ma? She's gorgeous! I bet that's why she's all covered up."

He gives me hope.


February 15, 2010


new high heels
just kidding. no way im wasting money on this.

ulala :)

military blazer/jacket

no one is officially a girl without a little black dress of her own.


i know it's a long shot. love you Michael.

February 14, 2010

You're not sorry

I miss you so much it hurts

Just got 'This Is It' movie from my brother. It feels almost like Michael Jackson never left, until finally i remembered he did.

Watching him moving on stage with his boney figure, it hurts thinking "How can nobody see how painful he was on that stage?". He couldn't even reach the same note when he screamed like he did in every song. Thriller, Earth Song, Bad, Dirty Diana, and his other priceless priceless priceless masterpiece.

If i was there when he's still breathing, i'd take him home and feed him till he loves cake more than those freaking pills. Dang you stupid pills, you took away the only legend i love.

Our One And Only, Michael.

Him: Annie are you okay? So, Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie?
Me: No, Im not okay. How can I be okay knowing the fact you're not breathing anymore, MJ.

February 9, 2010


Since now the clock on the bottom right side of my computer states it is 12.37am i guess that makes this story is yesterday's.

Today, was awful.
I woke up at 6.25am still sleepy as always. Didn't get much sleep as always. Wish i could just freeze the time and get more rest for my aching body from the cross country, as always.
Went to school thinking about how am i going to get over Chocolate boy. Thinking that it's better now than after the truth gets stuck in my head since i wasn't sure of what kind of that special bond they're having.
Trying to avoid everything about him all day. His walk, the smile, that body language, his eyes..shakes head*
But, in every image of him in my head i can't crop her out. She's in every shoot i take of Chocolate boy.
Half of the day's almost over and i think i did a pretty good job ignoring him for today.
And as i was walking down the stairs, Syasya blurted out those words over and over again, "Chocolate's with her. O my God, he's with her. I can't believe it, he couples with her."
Cyeah, that sure made my day even better. The only two words that came out of my mouth were, "I know".

Today, was great.
My mother woke me up with her soothing voice, sweetly persuades me to get up and get ready for school. Works everytime. Enduring the tiredness and laziness, i got myself up and ready.
In class, we got our exam papers back with our grades marked with the same red ink pen i've seen in my whole life schooling. My marks weren't great but they're decent. Decent enough to not fail and sort of made me relieved cause i know i did my best.

Regina, my classmate, my horny friend.
We got really high today in class. Made up horny jokes and laughed like two crazy maniacs when others don't get a word we were talking about. haha
She then started threat me and Auni with her animatic facial expressions saying she'll walk back home with us since my house and Auni's is only a few feets away. That she wants to take Auni's new touchscreen phone and my dad's guitar plus the amplifier.
We literally ran away and hide from her when school finished. haha
Back home i fell asleep with the tv on downstairs when suddenly the phone rang and jerked me up.
Teena called asking me to open the door. Changed my clothes, went streaming down, took a peek at the window and saw four blue shirt girls standing in front of my gate.
Regina, Teena, Auni and Husna. hahaha

Truly was a pleasant surprise to have them crashing my house. Especially with Regina joining in, i hesitated to open the gate. hahah
Inside, i served them with the brownies Auni bought and plain water (i didn't know they were coming).
Regina was being 'jakun' and constantly saying, "Omg, thats the guitar. omg u ada senapang (my grandad's, totally safe and just for display). What is that thing?".
She and i had a couple wrestling matches when she took my phone and didn't want to give it back.
I sat on her, crushing her into the couch with my back pressuring her till her face turned red but i still didn't manage to win my phone back. hahah
Even after they were getting out to go back home she still refused to give it back until the last round of wrestling. I won. haha
Definitely. Best. Day. Since. New Year.

Photo of the day.
Wouldn't stop carves smile on my face.

February 7, 2010


To love is to be vulnerable. Did i ever mention i dont like when im vulnerable? it weakens me.

now i know what’s this wall of bricks are here for.

Music Overdosed

Currently in love with several songs.

Speechless by Lady Gaga

and i know that it's complicated
but i'm a loser in love so baby,
raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends

i'll never talk again
oh boy you've left me speechless
you've left me speechless,
so speechless
and i'll never love again,
oh friend you've left me speechless
you've left me speechless,
so speechless

Mess I Made by Parachute

I should've spoken up
I should've proudly claimed
That oh my head's to blame
For my hearts mistakes

But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away

Half of My Heart by John Mayer

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
showing me another way and all that my love can bring

oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh with half of my heart