unsimplify

This.

2012-01-26T23:12:00.000+08:00

Am I mad enough to be sane?

2012-01-16T17:00:00.001+08:00

You know when people say, "At least you've tried." Damn well, I tried.

It doesn't hurt anymore.. if it matters.

I tried..to move on you know. I thought I was close to love again. I thought I was able to fall for someone again. I did, actually, I did. I fell for this guy in my class..

I thought it was different this time, that he might just be the one to help me get out of your world. You see, because I always compare every guy I met with you. Every single damn time, I'd search for you in every guy I meet. None of them made me want to get to know them any better, cause none of them were you. But this guy, I didn't even notice you pass by my mind whenever he's near. He was who he is to me, and I like him. He was him to my eyes and not you. So I fell for him...or so I thought.

One night of him showing his true face, him admitting how little he cares of me..was enough to make me forget about my feelings for him.
And you know what, I wouldn't be too happy to hear myself saying this..

But if truth be told, my love, the only reason I'm still willing to go through this pain is because it is you. 5 years of hope, my love, and I would not have done it for anyone else but you.

Some would say I'm crazy. But they don't know me. I've loved and wanted you, your perfections and your flaws, all of you. I fell deep and hard.. And maybe, just maybe, the only way to forget you is to be diagnosed with amnesia.

Existence, do I matter?

2011-11-28T17:24:00.001+08:00

Ever feel as if your existence is not memorable at all? It's like even if you disappear, no one and nothing will be affected.

It's like, hearing the laughter of your family downstairs while you're alone in your room. Thinking, "Do they even notice I'm not with them? Do they even care?" I feel that my family and friends wouldn't even be affected to my disappearance. Their lives will go just as it usually does everyday and not a single fuck was given. I feel like even without me existing, my family would've been completed. I feel like my existence doesn't mean anything.
I was never anyone's first choice to be in their first thought, nor for the first to accept their love. I was always the second thought. So, does it matter if I was here?
Maybe, perhaps Allah knows best for why he gave me this opportunity. And maybe, just maybe, He is the only one who truly loves me. But oh, that thought of Him being the only one who loves me in this universe makes me want to be with him even closer and I mean, closer with him in the after death. Because I can't bear this pain anymore. I can't stay in this world, searching for true pure honest love when I know I only get it from Allah SWT. I don't belong here.

I loathe reality

2011-11-23T00:52:00.001+08:00

When I look back into my life, it's not that I dont want to see

things exactly the way they happened. it's just that i prefer to

remember them in an artistic way. and truthfully the lie of it all

is much more honest, because I invented it. Clinical psychology

tells us arguably that trauma is the ultimate killer. Memories are not

recycled like atoms and particles in quantum physics, they can be

lost forever. It's not that I've been dishonest, it's just that I loathe reality.

- Lady Gaga 'Marry The Night'

Poverty is a cycle...but it can be broken.

2011-11-11T23:39:00.000+08:00

Poverty is a cycle...but it can be broken.: The cycle of poverty is an issue that begins when a child is born into an extremely low income family and enters an environment that lacks stimulation. With lack of education, children grow up with low self-image due to improper attention from caring role-models.Delinquency, loitering, gangsterism and abuse are highly common amongst illiterate teenagers; further lowering their chances of obtaining a secure and steady job. The issue snowballs when these teenagers get involved in pre-marital sex and are forced to start families without a stable income. The poverty cycle will then be passed on to the next generation.How does the cycle end?Education.Dignity for Children promotes the importance of education and funds one-stop community-learning centres to help children between the age of 2-17 yrs old. All Dignity Education Programmes are based on the national curriculum as prescribed by the MOE, but incorporate Montesorri principles and philosophies in execution. This means that proper training is carried out for volunteers who wish to become teachers.
With over 14,000 children in Malaysia who do not have access to school, teachers are in great demand in foundations such as Dignity. The life-changing work of Dignity for Children Foundation is only made possible through the continued help and support of people like you! Get involved and become a seed of change in a child’s life today.

Light up a little life!

2011-11-11T23:32:00.000+08:00

Light up a little life!: Yayasan Sunbeams Home is a place that sheds light to underprivileged children in Malaysia. Having homed the displaced, misplaced, abused and neglected children of single parents since 1995, Sunbeams is the beacon of hope for children that long for a bright future.With several homes, daycare centres, learning centres and a feeding ministry set up within Malaysia, Sunbeams meets the daily needs of children at a feat of RM 80,000 per month. Depending on the support of people like YOU, Sunbeams hopes to provide more and reach more underprivileged children in Malaysia through their wishes to expand. With a current RM 1.5 million renovation plan that caters to 100 children, your monetary donation, large or small will be greatly appreciated. If you are interested in helping out in other ways, do consider donating items, offering your time, service, or even spread the word of the amazing work in place. Every little bit helps.

I'm in loooove. Nothing big, really.

2011-08-29T05:10:00.000+08:00

I'll save the time by answering the big question. Who?
It's Kevin Wu also known as Kevjumba. He's Youtube famous. I'm addicted to his videos. And for obvious reason (if you're my friend you'd know this), I'm a sucker for asian/korean/chinese face. Not the nerdy "Apek" kind of chinese face, God, NO. The cute nerdy kind, you know. I just love that adorable squinty eyes. The kind that appears innocent, naive and nerdy but acts like a skaterboy or just casually cool, plus their cool open-minded common sense and their sense of humor. It's just. It gets me all the time, I can't help it okay. *sigh

So anyway, what I love about him based on these past few days of ~~drooling~~ *cough* adoring his videos, there are plenty qualities of him that caught my attention.
He's not an A-list celebrity, not a professional dancer or entertainer, not a genius, not a billionaire, he doesn't have that perfect skin nor a perfect face structure, not a full-time hottie like Zac Efron. BUT..
He started off as this chinese guy making these videos in his room, looking so cute talking like he doesn't even care what anyone would respond.
He can dance, not that great but he can dance or shuffle.
He's pretty smart, just a hunch. He keeps mentioning it's essential to get good grades when you're asian.
He's a family guy. What can I say, girls love guys who love his family. He includes his dad Michael Wu or Papa Jumba in some of his videos. They're originally just funny together.
He confessed he is momma's boy. So cute.
He has grown now, 21 year old (3 years older), taller, tougher, hair's longer..basically, he's turning into a hottie.
He have another channel on Youtube for charity called JumbaFund. I think he have such a big heart to give back.
He knows his limit, he doesn't curse too much, he doesn't like incoherent songs. But I doubt he doesn't listen to them.

He's this and that. He's isn't perfect, nor is he has everything checks on my list of "My Man". But I just love him for who he is, his flaws and strongsuits, they're Kevin and I love everything that I know about him at this moment.

I can continue with other things from why I'm feeling hurt from this crushing on someone who doesn't even know I exist, to my random emotional seasons or something totally random. But I'll stop here, so, goodnight.

Goodnight Kevin Wu :)

Time is tearing me apart piece by piece

2011-07-03T17:27:00.000+08:00

I’m not a fan of changes. I could deal with it for some cases but when the hard one comes, a little bit of my youth is destroyed. Ever since the death of my late Grandfather, it traumatizes me to think of not being able to say my goodbyes to those who matters in my life before it’s too late, just like how I didn’t get chance to say goodbye to my grandfather.. I wanted to tell him how much I love him, how I wish I could’ve learn more from him while he was alive. I wanted to be there holding his hands, telling him it’ll be alright before the surgery and after surgery, I’d whisper to his ear that it’s all over and that he could open his eyes..

The least I ask is a chance to see him while he’s still breathing.

My grandma’s going ‘Umrah’ again this July. I wanted to say I love her, I do, but why wouldn’t it come out. That wonders me..

I’m so hurt, so much had happened and sometimes when it hurts too bad there’s a part of me shuts off. The part that helps me to convey my joyful, cheerful side. But no more, I’m no longer functioning the way I used to. Sadly, I couldn’t find the reasons to regain myself and beat this gloomy version of myself. I’m too damaged and my cures are all scattered, everything fell apart. I have this scars and wounds that wouldn’t heal, the little demons keep lingers around it to never let me escape from this miserable thoughts.

What else can I do?

The damaging completed when I was sent to UiTM Seri Iskandar, Perak. Over there I learned more how to be selfish to survive and get things done more I learned how to live.

I need to get the control over my life back. But everything that used to give me the strength to move on, everything is either gone, got lost or has changed. To find another seems impossible, what I had was irreplaceable, they were too good, almost the best among all throughout my years of discovering and selecting. But they’ve changed, and so do I.

I used to wonder how adults became adults, not physically but mentally. How could they forget how it was like when they were kids and teenagers. The sense of humor, the joy of fooling around and the free thinking, freedom of imagining and never have to fear of making mistakes nor regret anything. How could they just forget those? Our source of happiness and the reason we wake up smiling.

But now I know why, I hate growing up but this is life. But the little me made a promise, even if she’s grown , became successful and being one person that others can count on and look up to, she’ll never forget how it feels like to be that wise little girl she was. And I think that’s one strong reason I can hold on to and the only reason that could keep me from losing myself.

I'm a dreamer.

2011-04-11T04:44:00.001+08:00

I am obsessed with Tumblr! It's like my source of living. Words can't express how I feel, let alone need it. It's like, when you love something so much you want everyone to know but you'd hate it if couple strangers try to join in (especially if they're so closed and shallow minded people).

Tumblr is a place of art, beauty in every possible way. It gives you feelings of experiencing life in an honest, truthful way. It shows you the truths, opens your eyes, widens your perspectives, make you laugh, cry, smile, hope and even joy. Tumblr is a place for dreamers like me.

I'm even thinking of buying an ipad or iphone just for Tumblr.
But right now, honestly, I've been infected with shopaholic virus. I'm feeling greedy and I crave for things, ALOT of things at once. If I'm a freakin big fat billionaire, just in a blink of an eye I'd have spend a million in a day. At least half a million, maybe a quarter. That's why for now, I dream BIG.

The wait is over

2011-04-11T04:19:00.000+08:00

Back again, I miss writing down my thoughts, I do. But recently I just couldn't find the time or the right words to tell you how it is.

Well, my SPM result came out on 23rd of March. Just like what I tell others, my parents are grateful and happy enough with the outcome but I'm not satisfied. Few A's, B's and one C. Thank God nothing less than that. I didn't cry nor regret though. Just going-with-the-flow attitude, maybe cause I know I've already 'tawakal' to whatever God has planned for me. I did my best, perhaps just lack of struggling like the others.
Anyhow, syukur Alhamdulillah. I hope I'll be accepted in the University that I've applied and get the course that I want. More importantly, I hope God is guiding me in choosing the right path, the right course.

Insyaallah, He shall lead me to my way of achieving my goals and dreams, also in becoming seorang hamba Allah S.W.T yang taat setia kepada-Nya.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

2011-03-08T01:01:00.001+08:00

Im not a producer. I don't come up with ideas, create and produce it to share with others. I do come up with random thoughts and make it real, but they're only limited to my own imagination. Why?

I don't have the confidence that others will get it. I don't have the confidence that you will understand what I've created, how my mind works. It's too complicated that only those open-minded enough could understand.

Im the listener, the observer, the audience. I see, feel, listen..and then I absorb it in me, I make myself understand it's situation. Most of all, what I love the most is when i get to see and feel the beauty in it.

Yes, I seem insignificant, behind the curtain and invisible. Sure, it'd be nice to be the creator of a great masterpiece and share it with others and be known for that. But right now, for now, I'm enjoying myself being behind the scene and watch others keep showing off their colourful works. I'm like a little kid in candyland and all the workers are showing me all the goods. Until the time comes, I'll come up with my own goods.

Beside, you have to crawl before you can walk. I'm learning and absorbing other's opinions and perspectives before I can share my own with the world.

It Felt So Real.

2010-12-12T15:05:00.000+08:00

I had a dream last night. It was all messed up. That's how almost all of my dreams are. Messed up. They mashes everything together, places, people, informations. Mostly places. There was once i dreamt school was right in front of my house. Creepy.

About that dream, there were essences of Harry Potter, Queen of England's family reunion, Katy Perry and so much more. It sounds weird, I know, that's why it's called dream and not reality.
The most realistic moment I had in that dream that I can't quite get my mind off of it was when the principal brought me somewhere to talk and he wanted to change my seat because he knows I hate seating beside this one girl who just can't get her eyes off the all the princes. He then proceeded by saying I could have one person I know to be seated next to me. I knew who I wanted that person to be but before I could say his name the principal pointed to the picture. I was so excited when I see his face on the screen. As I turned around there he was standing with his broad shoulder and an undeniably familiar smile carved beautifully on his face. I rushed to his way and fling my arms wide open only to wrap it around him tightly. We didn't say a word, just the warmth of our bodies flows between us keeping each other warm. It's the feeling of being secured in your loved one's arms, feeling of being loved. It's so beautiful. I never wanted it to end.
I remember how strong it was, how secured and safe I felt in his arms. I grip on his jacket and just pulling him in even more. It just felt so real..

I know now, that's what I've been craving for. It's been so empty until it came to me. Eventhough it was just a dream, that moment gave me enough joy from the experience of just knowing how it feels like to be loved by someone, that moment is enough to spark a new hope in my life. A new kind of smile to start a new life.

SPM is OVER..well, almost.

2010-12-12T14:21:00.001+08:00

I still have one last paper this Wednesday. All 9 subjects are done, the one left is EST.

Revising back on what I had gone through this past few months..
First of all, I felt like I'd better off dead. In my case, suicide would be a sin. Sleeping however is the closest I can get to being as peaceful as being dead. Almost all the time I wished I could sleep and never wake up again. Curiosity adds to this guilty pleasure of mine when I wondered what would it be if I'm gone.
One can only wonder so much..

I tried putting back all the pieces together, I had to. What do I have left anyway?
Searching for even the tiniest piece of happiness and joy to my life that made me the way I am and helped me get through this life. I did it. I think. Almost.

So school is over. Finally. No more highschool, no more drama, no more dealing or meeting with hypocrites. Not really, I mean these stuffs don't just disappear from your life after highschool. There're many things worst out there and I can only hope I can survive them alone.

You Didn't Lie, You Just Didn't Tell The Truth

2010-10-24T00:03:00.001+08:00

"I know the real truths behind your words that night", oh sweetie how I wish I could say this to you.
I knew that night's conversation over the phone wasn't enough for me. I knew I needed more than just words if you want me to believe you were telling the truth.

You said, you truly cared about me. I believed you.
What you don't know is the next night I talked to Mia. That moment you and her were having some problems. She told me that night, you called and texted her a few times. Saying sorry and apologizes for things you don't even know what you've done. And when she forgave you, you said that you love her over and over again.

For others reading this might sound like there's nothing wrong with that. But there is, for me.

What I don't get is, why is that you put so much effort to consult Mia for her forgiveness? But you didn't put that much effort on me when I ignored you, the same way Mia did? In fact, you did nothing to consult me. Not even a tiny effort.

It hurts, like hell.
I think the reason you didn't just tell me I'm not important to you that night was because I was crying. Or perhaps, because you can't stand having one person just not caring about you anymore. I don't know.
All I know now, is where you put me in your life. I can see it clearly where I stand now.
I don't mean much to you. Never have been that important to you. Guess what, you were once the only bestfriend I care in this world. Apparently, you have someone better than me. Well, you could've just told me the truth and I would've stop having faith in us. I could've dodged the bullet.

Moving On To Depressions

2010-10-23T23:02:00.000+08:00

It happens all the time. Right when I found someone who could make me the person they care the most in the whole world, somebody else snatches them away. It hurts even more painful if the person who stole them away from me is someone I know.

Everything I do, every good deeds I do comes with only one purpose. I don't ask for anything else than appreciation. Because maybe someday one of them would decide to care about me more than they care about anyone else.

I need someone who will understand me. Someone who would give me their full attention to. Someone who would notice and smile the moment I walk in the room. Someone who will never get distracted when I talk to them. Someone who will treat me like I'm special than other girls in the room. Someone who just won't get distracted from me even when my beautiful bestfriends are under the limelight. Someone who isn't easily impressed by how talkative and friendly and lovely my beautiful bestfriends could be. Just, someone who proved they do not want anybody else than me and only me, for who I am.

Empty

2010-10-23T22:33:00.002+08:00

This year is the toughest for me. What's worst is how empty it feels in my chest.
I thought I needed someone who could make me feel so special to them. Someone who I haven't met yet.
I need somebody to love me and only me.

Recently, I found a black kitten in my school. At the same time, Buzz the turtle, my family's pet died. My dad took it the hardest. It has been part of the family for about14 years. I had the urge to bring the kitten home and I did. I figured it might be my new bestfriend. The one I could talk to and get comfort. It's like my new baby.
But my dad always keep interrupting when I try to bond with it. I figured since I brought it home then it's technically mine. I named him Mute cause he doesn't meow much. But my dad named him Tam. I disagreed, but we both didn't want to give up the names. I hated that my dad keeps trying to win his love more than me.

I know what you're thinking, love. It's common jealousy. I don't deny that's true. But I know I deserved Mute's love more than him because I took him. I deserved more love because, I don't get much from anyone. It's funny, I figured that the reason I brought him home was because I thought maybe this little animal will give the love I needed when I don't get much from human beings. But instead, my dad overshadowed me and I lost another host to love.

It gives me another reason to leave everything and get my own life. I need to go somewhere else.

I Shouldn't Exist.

2010-10-23T22:11:00.000+08:00

Hi, love. I'm back, for now.

These past few months has been amazingly tiring for me. There's a split seconds that I feel like I have all the happiness I deserved. Then one moment I feel like I should suffocate to death.
What has got into me?

I have everything but at the same time I have nothing.
Everything I have are a united family, friends who accept me for who I am, not so bad grades in school, great home, slight freedom to do anything I want and other leverages I can't recall.
These "everything" means nothing anymore ever since I doubt where I stand on this Earth.
For everytime, everyday, whenever I'm with anyone I will question myself "Do I mean anything to you?"
I questioned my purpose of being there for them. I wonder if I am in the same position in their life like how they are in mine.
I questioned if I'm ever needed in their life. If they will ever remember me. If I'm ever in their first thought. If I'm ever someone's priority in their life.

Somehow, even in my family's eyes I couldn't see that my existence mean anything. Let alone in my friends eyes. Despite getting several attentions or love, I still doubt my place in everyone's heart.

It's not just because of how I'm treated, but how I treat couple of people that sometimes make me have a tendency to just cast everyone out of my life. If it means I won't get hurt and I won't hurt anyone then, maybe being independent and alone is better.

All That I Asked

2010-08-13T22:15:00.000+08:00

“She wants to know if I love her, that’s all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer

Written In The Dark

2010-07-28T01:46:00.002+08:00

Hey, It's me, the girl you used to know, the bestfriend you had faith on, the reliable one who had always been there for you. The girl named Hani who cherished you as her bestie.

This girl, me, I miss you.

I know that you might never going to read this. That's okay because even if you do, its not going to change anything.

I've been so conceited and selfish ever since I lost my trust on everyone. I just can't let myself feel that weak again. I got crushed so bad, you don't know how much that changed me. What's more painful was you don't even notice the differences in me.

I'm not writing this to tell you what we did wrong. I just want to tell you how I truly feel right now. Cause the girl who's been responding to you all this time -since we made peace- is an autopilot. It's a mask, better yet an act I've been struggling to master. But looks like I'm doing it pretty well.

Right now, I'm being humble as I can and honest in my every word. But when we see each other out there, in school, I won't be this way, I'll act as if I never mentioned this.

Here goes, I miss being there for you anytime you need me. I miss to be the first to know your latest news. I miss having a twin sister from another father. I miss laughing with you, I miss giving advices when you're clueless, I miss saying 'jinx' everytime we say the same word at the same time. Most of all, I miss having you in my life.

Sometimes I wish I never had felt that pain. I wish we never had hurt each other. I wish we could forget about it and erase the scars.

When you confessed about how hard it was for you when I left. You said you cried and it stumped you when I said I was the one who hurt you the most while this whole time I've been protecting you from getting hurt. What an irony..

At that moment we could've put those pieces back together. Everything could've been back to normal. But it was too late you see, all I wanted from you was to tell me that you need me in your life. But by the time you gave that to me was when you're already sober and because I know you so well, my selfish alter ego started to strike. In my head at that very moment was thinking if I tell you that what you just told me was exactly what I wanted to hear, you'd throw it back at my face and put the blame on me.

Because you look like you've gotten over me and if I show a little weakness in me, you'd manipulate it to make it look like its all my fault for leaving you when you already know I left because I was hurt by how I was treated. But you refused to take note of that part and continue to try putting me on the guilty chair.

That's what you always do to everyone and why shouldn't I take note of that outcome before I decide to confess that you've nailed the golden answer.

The reason I went all out on the argument was because I can't give you that forgiveness until you say those words. A proof that I am wanted, needed and not just another pair of good jeans. I needed to know that before I can forgive you because I know that if I forgive you without getting an answer, you would act as if it never happened. As if all those heartache I told you meant nothing to you and all you do is to treat me just as same as before, another pair of your good jeans.

I didn't leave you at first. I just walked away, letting go of your hands slowly..waiting you to stop me. But you didn't. Instead of stopping, I keep on walking and finally left you out of my sight..

These words, emotions, tears and heartache stays here. I don't intend it to go any further or goes out of this region. What you read here, let it stay in here.

Leave me a message right after the 'Beep'

2010-06-25T01:24:00.000+08:00

Hey, I won't be posting for a long period of time. I'm focusing on my priority now which is the SPM examination. Love, Hugs & Kisses. I already miss you bloggie :(

I'm currently using Twitter, a lot, as a place to pour out my thoughts in any second anytime anywhere. So it's easier than pouring it here cause I know once I sit and start to type on Blogger, I'd take a whole lot of time. I can't allow that to happen. Can't take that risk. So Twitter's to the rescue! I still love you deeply, Bloggie.

I'll be back next year. Promise. Unless ofcourse, if i have a very very important stuff to share and I just have to write it here then I'll be back in a jiff.

P.S: Don't give up on me yet.

Oh Boy

2010-06-05T02:47:00.000+08:00

Boy, you got me trippin n' tumblin just by the second you take a breath. hahah
That's it. I'm putting my foot down and i'm just going to say this once, "I want a best-gay-boy-friend".
smilin'*

i'll explain later :p

I Thank You, Mr.

2010-06-05T02:37:00.000+08:00

I got over him. That's quite a big accomplishment for me. So i'm telling you, each one of you, no matter how many comes in my life, makes their mark and then leave, the only words each of you worth getting from me are, "If i can get over him, i can get over anyone".
But wait, i can't be sure of that, can i? well, maybe not.
But somehow the fact is, i might not get over it, but i'll get used to it.

She's 17!

2010-05-16T04:41:00.003+08:00

Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to me C=

Yeah, i'm getting old. 17 years of living has been pretty much adventurous to me. many has changed, gone through so much, but still not enough. There're many more experiences i need to discover.

yawnn*

Still very tired from the party.
Supposedly my birthday was on 14th May but i held my party today on 15th May because it's weekend.
It started good. Regina and Syahirah were the early birds from school since there was an activity. They both came along with me and my dad to get my cake and buy a packet of marshmallows. We ran around in that mall like couple of kids found candyland.

Farah came just in time when our stomach were craving for food. We eat, snap pictures. eat, snap pictures until more people arrived. Syasya, Shaffrul, Aindayu, Abby and Adzram arrived respectively. After eating, Regina played my dad's guitar and Syasya played the keyboard, Shaff was playing the 'Kompang' and we made a band together. Hahah.

Husna, Irsyad and Teena came pretty late and i almost slice the cake without them cause time wasn't on my side and Syahirah needed to go back home at 3pm. When they arrived, immediately i pushed them to eat first then we bring the cake out. We sang 'Happy Birthday' song, pictures and more pictures were snapped. I sliced the cake for everyone. I couldn't help myself to wait any longer cause i really wanted to play the 'chubby bunny' game.

The game was to stuff your mouth with marshmallows as many as you could but you have to say 'chubby bunny' everytime you put another marshmallow inside your mouth. hahah. Should've seen their faces, everyone were so chubby. After that, we all walked to Wangsa Walk. It was tiring for someone who just had fever like me. Yes, i had fever on my birthday but it all worth it. Arrived at the mall 3.32 pm, such luck, the bowling was fully booked and the only movie we could watch was 'Ice Kacang Puppy Love'. hahah

We decided to buy a horror DVD movie instead and go back to my house. Husna and Irsyad bought 5 large popcorns and i bought secret recipe's beverages. The drinks weren't ready and my dad already arrived in the long line of traffic jam. He got really pissed because he had to make another turn to fetch us. It's bad, but i always do that. Hahah, sorry dad :p
and sorry to Husna, Irsyad and Abby for scaring you guys. hahah

We watched the movie in my living room with lights off and curtains shut, eating popcorns, screams and squeals. Everything turned out quite fine. The party ended pretty late than expected but i had a blast :D

Thanks guys, for showing up on my party. Sorry for any wrongs or mistakes that happened and thanks for putting up with it. Thanks again for such great party in this last year we are having together. Im grateful for having all of you in my life. Love, hugs and flying kisses ;)

P.S: pictures will be uploaded soon.

I've figured it all out

2010-05-09T14:06:00.001+08:00

I love figuring things out. I study people and from my observation i figure them out, also from everything that happens to me. I've figured it out. I don't exactly know what but i know i've figured it out. My mind is semiclear but i can't be sure of what that thing is that i've solved.

First, i felt this while i was watching American Idol result show. It's when Lee said something about getting overconfidence. "It's true, i criticize myself the worst" from there, a branch of thought came out and it sounds something like, "Even when i did great like what everybody said, it's still not good enough to me." Conclusion, that is what keeps him go harder and harder on himself, that's why he keeps getting better. He works hard because he thinks he's still not good enough.
To me, that's one way to be success effectively.

Next, i have figured out all the roads i can take to build myself a future in every way, in every lifestyle i can think of that is possible for someone like me to go through. There's so many but none of it is vivid. The bad side is that every possible road changes me. Might even shape me into someone i don't even like, or someone i never thought i'd ever be. But all the roads lead me to become a success and independent woman that i long to be, whether i'm happy or not. But whatever i do, whereever, whenever, whoever i become, happiness is part of it. Even if i fall in the gutter, i'd lift my head up and watch the stars beautify the midnight sky. I can feel the spark of happiness only by feeling the sun shines down on me. Because i know i live.

About those roads, i'll get to it later. So much to think, so much to write, so little time.

I always do this, somehow it brings a pinch of joy and a little chuckle to my empty soul when i see the sun shines through my finger.

I'm still standing

2010-05-05T00:24:00.001+08:00

And then she ask me, "Aren't you sad?".

It's definitely a burden. But if there's shadow, there's light. It's best to focus on what brings joy in my life.

Problem with people and problem with studies is completely different. I don't need shits from people to waste my time, i have better and worthy things to care than them. So yes, sadness had been overwhelmed my life lately. But doesn't mean i'm out of happiness in my other hand. The only way i can bear this is by looking at the bright side where i can see the light and ignore those eerie shadows behind me that constantly try to eat me up.

Girl, you're not worth it.

2010-04-25T01:30:00.002+08:00

I have some things i wanted to say, but i won't say it cause i saw in you how unimportant it is to save this broken friendship, i saw that in every way you move. That's when i realized how unimportant you're supposed to be to me.
Conclusion, I'm not going to write those words i've thought awhile ago because you're just not worth it.

And, i vowed to myself, i will not be the one to show the white flag first. Because i know you so.so.so very well, if i be the one who goes and say how unsated i feel, you'd put all the blame on me and make me look like a fool. Your own words will definitely be like this, "You were the one who started it. You wanted out and not care about me anymore. Now, you're making a fuss about me not caring about us?".

Cyeah, i can imagine it in 3D. You care, i know you do cause i see that in your eyes everytime we meet. But you just can't show it and tell me yourself because of your ego. You never praise anyone but you love being praised. You never give attention to anyone else but you crave for theirs. You love to be cared but honestly, you don't care about anyone.

Alright, yes. I started it because you don't treat me like i treat you. I started it because i thought it's the only way I could make you see how i feel. I started it because i wanted to see how much i mean to you. But hey! i forgot how cold and selfish you are to even show how you really feel. I've said this before, i guess for you 'us' just not worth to fight for.

If that so, then you're not worth my time anymore.

P.S: I really want to say goodbye but i'm gonna have to see your face every morning in assembly, so, whatever.

Beastly

2010-04-25T00:47:00.000+08:00

I know i'll love this movie.

Mary-Kate: You will stay like this forever.
Kyle: Like what?
Mary-Kate: As aggressively unattractive outside as you are inside.

Lindy: Why am i here?
Kyle: Because you need to be protected.

Woman: She would like you if you're being yourself.
Kyle: What? This self or the jerk i was.
Woman: The man i know you to be.

Kyle: Pretty gruesome huh.
Lindy: I've seen worst.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

2010-04-20T01:39:00.000+08:00

I got this 'thought' of an entry about 5 minutes ago. Replaying the moment when my private tutor said something about my pictures when he was ransacking my new Blackberry Storm. I was surprised how much he was surprised to find out what i can do with a short time of photoshoot and an effortless of editing to my photos. Brought him to suggest me a few careers he thought i'd consider to pursue. But when he asked me this, it kept me thinking.

"Why do you like it? Why is it your hobby?"

About 10 minutes ago before i was staring at this used-to-be-empty screen, it ringed my complex mind of why i enjoy taking photos, surfing for more in random sites just to satisfy branches and branches of curiosity in finding out beauties that a single period of life couldn't offer. And possibly along with the reason why i couldn't or just not comfortable to have anyone even my parents to see me in the process of making it.

Straightforwardly, it makes me feel beautiful. I'm not being cocky here, just stay and keep reading and i hope you'll understand.

Photoshoot captures alot of pictures from every possible angles that has the potential to provide the best natural lighting. It's not about capturing sexiness, hotness or fierce. Do take note that i am talking about my photoshoot and not some high fashion photoshoot. That, ofcourse is completely different.

I focus more about decency. What seems like good enough to me is, good enough. After editing and retouching a few minor flaws that are forgiveable to cast out of the picture, i may or may not display it to the public.

It's a pleasure really when people ask "Is this you? You look different."

That's what motivates me to do more. Photography is a beautiful thing. It doesn't change anything it potrays in what was captured eventhough the people in it have changed. And what i love about it, why i love to take pictures and edit it is because,

maybe we'll see the beauty that cannot be seen with our naked eyes.

maybe it proves that the beauty i see is actually real and not just my imagination.

maybe it proves that you are beautiful eventhough nobody ever tells you that.

maybe it shows the beautiful side of you, the only side that no one ever cares enough to see.

I think it's all of the above. But most of all, maybe a single click of a button that captures such stunning photo of yourself proves that you don't need anyone to tell you that you're beautiful when you could just see it for yourself in a mere piece of material.

This is long enough and normally i'd stop here, but i have to include the reason why i need my privacy when i'm photoshooting and retouching. I've thought about it especially when my tutor asked me why i couldn't let my parents know about my 'hobby', well i could and my mom already knows but not in a way of knowing how much it means to me. I don't really know why but i guess maybe i feel insecure when having somebody watching my every action. It's feels like scared of what they think of my picture, scared if they'll criticize my work and that will definitely sweep off my mood to do my best, scared that they'll tell me how bad i am cause i know i'm not a professional and as if i'm not good enough to do all that. Maybe there was a traumatic time in my past that makes me feel the need for it to be privately done.

P.S: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder means that different people will find different things beautiful and that the differences of opinion don't matter greatly.

Tough Cookie

2010-03-30T02:12:00.001+08:00

"We go days without having a meaningful conversation, and i use to miss you so much when that happened, but it never seemed like you missed me. And i guess because of it, i stopped missing you."

I've said this before, when caring hurts i tend to stop. Lately it's been hard for me eversince i realized im losing yet another friend of mine which i also thought would be one of those people who'll stay close to me longer than anybody else. I was wrong, again, i stand corrected by a slight punch of reality on the face.
This is the second time one of my bestfriend act as a disappointment to me. But this time, it opened the path to the light where i make my decision that i have no one to wait anymore.

Therefore, total independence seemed like the only choice i have left for myself. It's true though, being ignored or left out from certain important people in your life does make an impact to your journey for the future. Whether you bring along some company or walk by yourself and not looking back to wait for anyone.

Many say, high school is the best period in your lifetime but i can't wait to get out of there. Same shit, different day. I see teachers who i couldn't remember their names, i see my not-so-lifelong friends, and most of all i see assholes inhabiting the school. They're more likely the opposite of the 'apple of my eyes'.

Looking at the bright side through my glasses, i had it all figured out. It's funny everytime my friendship ends, it must be somewhat connected to phonecalls.
After she called for her request, i said im fine with what she wanted. After awhile a little voice ringed, "That's one way for her to say she doesn't want to hang out with you anymore." Im good. But i feel used.

Imagine you're a book and someone finally checked you out of the library out of a million books. Imagine the feeling after they've read you, noted what's contained under those layers of skin or page, and finally after they've learned enough they throw you away as if they've sucked every skill and information out of you and that you're no use to them anymore. That's how i feel, being used.

But it wasn't that hard for me to move on. Im a tough cookie. The only relevant thing to do is looking at the bright side, "At least now i don't have to wait for anyone to catch up with me anymore."

Be Grateful

2010-03-20T18:29:00.002+08:00

One time

2010-03-20T17:46:00.000+08:00

Couple weeks ago i promised i'd write about songs i can relate to under 'i'm too good to play with love' entry. I had time to write about every song, well, at least that's what i thought. But i tried anyway and i only got to one singer. So here's what i think of Justin Bieber. Written last month, i think, with his songs replaying in my playlist.

Heard of him, heard of his song once before and didn't have a slight interest in him. Just a few days ago i started listening to his songs and yeah, i do have some of his songs in my playlist.

Now, i know some really hate this boy. Not me, but i don't like him either. Neither am i denying he is adorable, but dangerous. hahah

So, here's why.

Of all the songs in my playlist, when i shuffle, each song that comes out talking shit about love, oh how she/he makes you feel. Blablabullshit..stuffs that doesn't make me feel any better, ya know. But then his song came up and something about it just lightened me up :)

It opened my younger days photo album in my head. Those happy times, having fun playing, running and then of course those puppy love i had to some random boys. haha

Justin reminded me of how it felt being a kid again. How i felt when i was a little girl imagining any of my crushes would come and say he likes me too. haha!

And listening to his singing is like a kitten begging for some milk. It's adorable (okay, i mentioned that already)

Every.word.

2010-03-17T20:15:00.000+08:00

Here goes nothing

2010-03-15T00:15:00.003+08:00

~~Dear diary,~~
scratch that*

Dear Bloggie,

I had some dreams last couple nights. Couldn't remember parts of it. All that's left are still very vague.
My defense, even after i woke up i didn't realize i had those dreams. Until..

A picture, a shot of him came in my mind without a warn or even a string attached to any of my thoughts at the moment.
I wondered why he was wearing a black shirt in that picture. Unlike always, white shirt and an innocent look on his face. Yet, he looks, tall and sharp. Sort of, ~~cute~~..caugh* in a very disturbing way. Roll eyes*

In the dream,
It has that scent or an atmosphere that something like an event is going on.
Cause everyone is wearing casual yet sharp in another perspective. I figured it could be either a class reunion or God forbid, our SPM 2010's result.
Anywho, im wearing a baju kurung and hijab (ofcourse, it's at school). Im smiling, laughing, not caring who's watching or even expecting anything. Then,

A flash, i saw it from my peripheral sight. Right then i knew it's something i've been terrified of. I didn't want to believe it, why should i since all this time it's been falsely alarmed. Why should i..
Not this time, i looked anyway, out of curiosity. We've all heard of this, curiosity kills the cat? Well, it killed me. Took my breathe away. I knew it.
He came..
Black shirt, glasses, spikey hairdo, pink lips, sharp eyes, broad shoulders, muscular, same body language, same walk, same smile..just like i last remember him.
Numb on the spot, i stand like a stone. Heavily breathing, not a single word comes out. I know what Teena must be thinking, hell, i know how her face looks like at that moment. Right behind me, she stands still not saying a word. I know she's shocked as much as i am. I know she's looking at me to see my reaction.
I know she must thought i'd faint right there. I know..I know.

"Hani..", she called me. That's all i needed to hear to snap me out of it. I looked down on the dirty floor, maybe i am fainting. Cry, damn it. Why wouldn't i cry and get this over with. Im out of tears, im out of breath. Shit.

'Close your eyes and breathe'..I instructed myself.
Finally, im breathing. I look up and i see all my friends put on their worried face. Aki, looking confused, not knowing what happened thought i had SPM panic attack. chuckle*
Everything's alright, i told myself. Just have to get the result, be grateful with it and go home, yeah, that simple. Right?

Walking to the door of the office in the hallway, i stopped.
Trying as hard as i could to hold on, looking nowhere but straight and make way for him to walk..pass me, first..
What hurts the most? Every unanswered questions pop out in my mind at once.
Does he remember me? Can he see me? Can he see through my chest and into my unhealed wound? Can't he see that im a wreck?...and, How are you?

~The End~

Like i said, its vague. I can't remember what happened next. But the emotions, it felt so real. I had to ask myself, did it really happened?
Of course not. But at least i got to say to myself, that's how you'll react if you ever see him again, and I told you so.

Cheers to us

2010-03-12T16:38:00.000+08:00

“This is for the girls who don’t always win, who stay up all night listening to music that inspires them to do the impossible. The girls who laugh, smile, cry, and think, all on a daily basis. The girls who like, learn, love, and regret. The girls who may not always have it easy. The girls who learn the hard way and live to tell about it. The real girls. Here’s to them. Cheers.” — Molly

He kissed her but he couldn't see her

2010-03-12T16:31:00.000+08:00

no comment. Just absolutely loving this picture. simple yet says million words describing it's moment.

G a y

2010-03-11T00:11:00.000+08:00

Don't you think it's, just sad when hot guys are gay? Seriously, i mean he could get any girl he wants and yet he only set eyes for men. sigh*
What a bummer.

Road for the future

2010-03-07T13:34:00.002+08:00

So it's been months, yes months and i still haven't figure out what i want my career to be in the future. I don't know what im capable of!
It's the most frustrating thing my head has ever been thinking about. Eventually after a plenty of reseaches, i found this one site to suggest your career based on you, yourself. I did one of it's quiz and the result is kind of a bullseye. Everyone should try, http://careerpath.com/career-tests/careerplannerquiz.aspx

My Quiz Results

People with Blue interests like activities that allow them to be creative. This can be through more traditional visual arts, writing or musical pursuits although not limited to these. The creativity is often expressed in thinking of new ideas or strategies that can have a broad range of applications. Blue interests often like thinking about the future and planning for long term benefits. Hobbies include: performing or listening to music, attending theater, story telling, journaling, decorative arts, painting.

Career choices often are:
Editor
Journalist
Teacher
Strategic Planner
Consultant
Performing Arts
Marketing
Communications
Research and Development

People with Yellow strengths are good at managing details and creating sophisticated processes that allow them to get complex work done. Once a game plan has been put in place, it is implemented. Their decisions are based on facts and carefully reasoned. When working with other people, they are fair and democratic and always can be counted on to deliver what they commit to.

Hehe. Im still not sure of what i want to be. sigh
God, show me the light!

instant quote: 'People planned not to fail, but they failed to plan', it means even if you achieved your goal not to fail in the exam, you'd fail in life if you don't plan sooner.

Shoot meh!

2010-03-07T12:58:00.000+08:00

Im obsessed with photography. Beauty in photos which can't be seen by our naked eyes. Im longing for my own camera, i adore polaroids. They're...instant beauty! you dont have to wait couple days to see what you've shot and think back what were you thinking when you took the picture or neither do you have to open your computer and seek through the files one by one just to find that one photo. Instead polaroid is instant! you see something amazing, hold the camera up, push the button and the photo comes out. love it! i want one.

The reason it's been in my head for awhile cause im thinking of an idea to lighten up my room by decorate a wall. Paint it, put some pattern maybe some textures. And then came this thought of a wall of polaroids. it'd be cool :D

Polaroid camera isn't the only one im craving for now. A digital is also in my wishlist. I love art, any form of art as long as its interesting. Since drawing, painting, singing, dancing, and designing are some of my talents which im not very good at, thats why they're my hobbies instead of the main thing i do. Photography is the best i could do. The only problem is i dont have any camera (phone's camera is out of this subject), i meant real camera. I want it, i want it. grr

Another Day

2010-03-05T00:35:00.002+08:00

My eyes shut hard wishing i could somehow teleport myself somewhere else. Place where no one's cheering his name. And i thought to myself, this is only a minor bumper and i've already felt like this. What if the major is he himself standing right in front of me? What would i do? Or worst, will i be able to breathe?

Today, my school's headmistress retired and they held one hell of a farewell ceremony. I didn't want to come at first but i figured i got nothing to lose so i went. Thought that both my friends who insisted me to come would make it at least less boring but boy, how i was right about i should've not attended school today.
Starting was okay, but then we got to the part where i knew i'd be bored to death when Syasya and Regina start talking to themselves once we sit in the hall.
For those friends i have, some didn't come and others took part in the performances. So i stucked with those two, and dont get me wrong, i love them but it's so predictable how i'll end up. Sometimes it happens so many times to you with different friends but same attitude makes you an unofficial psychic to excellently predict what and how the rest of the day with them will go. Yes, i study people alot.

Fast forward those speeches blah blah blah and we get to the performances.
Overall it wasn't that bad. They gave their all, i like that. But then came an unexpected guest for the day, a famous local singer came and performed two of his songs. I won't mention his name here cause it's Z, he's not Z. They just have the same freakin name. Here's the problem, apparently only for me, i don't hate him but definitely not a fan of him making his appearance there. I think i was the only girl didn't waste my voice shouting for him. Blame Z for that, if i had never met Z i'd probably enjoyed his performances thoroughly.

To make this clear that im not being overly shallow i'll explain why.
He, the singer, is like the reflection of Z. They're almost the same. He was a very chubby teenager (fat is a strong word) and got thinner and muscular. He sings, plays guitar, involves in music. Those cute chinese eyes that i adore so much. The only differences are Z's alot fairer and was an ass to me.
Anything, anything that reminds me of Z makes me numb, it depresses me. Even the singer's songs remind me of him. So yeah, i was depressed he came and sang those songs which fyi, it doesn't make any sense to me why im listening to it now in my playlist. Can you blame me for being vulnerable and irritated whenever it pokes me? sigh.

Enduring the pain..that's all i can do most of the time. The crowd kept screaming his name but it was too numb to feel the excruciating pain. But i guess i should mention this, the singer did made me laugh with his undeniable cute clumsiness. Maybe that's why i don't mind listening to his songs now.

Instant Quote

2010-03-02T19:18:00.001+08:00

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen

But it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want" -Unknown

When you know it, you know it. Nobody can say you dont know what you're feeling or that thing inside you that believes in what you know is not like how you think it is.
They dont know how it feels like to just know it.

I'm the girl who..

2010-03-02T18:56:00.000+08:00

When I Look At You

2010-03-01T01:33:00.000+08:00

When I Look At You by Miley Cyrus

I'm missing something i've never had.

It feels like trying to remember someone i've never met.

I'm sad. I don't know how to mend my spirit back together cause i don't know why i'm sad, you see.

I dont know what causes this grief to take over me.

I'm lost like Alice, and i want to go back home to where i was before, to where i'm supposed to be, where i belong.

But somehow i doubt 'home' will ever feel the same again once i've felt this way.

Leave a trail please, so i can find a place more comfortable for this new perspectives.

I've changed, I know.

2010-02-28T18:26:00.001+08:00

I've been hurt enough that i had to.

Instant Quote: 'You don't know me. You never did, and you never will.' - Supernatural

Here's What Really Happened

2010-02-28T17:56:00.003+08:00

It all started like this,

Sooo,

In the end, we might not be bestfriends anymore, but we're still friends.

She craves attention from others as if mine was not enough for her.

I left, accepting the fact that i'll never be enough for her.

With hope someday she'll find somebody worth a thousand spotlight.

Im not here to impress you

2010-02-28T16:44:00.000+08:00

One Day

2010-02-28T16:27:00.002+08:00

Pride And Prejudice

2010-02-28T00:52:00.000+08:00

Mr. Darcy: How are you this evening, my dear?
Elizabeth: Very well... although I wish you would not call me "my dear."
Mr. Darcy: [chuckles] Why?
Elizabeth: Because it's what my father always calls my mother when he's cross about something.
Mr. Darcy: What endearments am I allowed?
Elizabeth: Well let me think...”Lizzie" for every day, "My Pearl" for Sundays, and...”Goddess Divine"... but only on *very* special occasions.
Mr. Darcy: And... what should I call you when I am cross? Mrs. Darcy...?
Elizabeth: No! No. You may only call me "Mrs. Darcy"... when you are completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy.
Mr. Darcy: Then how are you this evening... Mrs. Darcy? Mrs. Darcy...Mrs. Darcy...Mrs. Darcy...Mrs. Darcy...

Haha

2010-02-25T02:15:00.000+08:00

I'm too good to play with love

2010-02-24T00:36:00.001+08:00

I can relate so many new songs that i'm currently in love with. Unfortunately it's midnight and i've got homework to do. Thinking i'll update this later with more elaboration about each song. Anyhow, the songs are:-
♠ Casanova by Esmee Denters feat Justin Timberlake
♠ One Time by Justin Bieber
♠ Terrified by Katharine Mcphee
♠ White Horse by Taylor Swift
♠ Careful With Words by Aly & AJ.

Personal Journal

2010-02-21T20:15:00.000+08:00

My life is a journal. i'm the main character and everyone i meet are minor characters. They may come and go, but my journal continues as long as i live.

Im not alone but im on my own

2010-02-21T01:46:00.001+08:00

I write, i type every words i think is proper, acceptable to show the meaning and at least decent enough to make it sound exactly the same like how you'd hear it coming out of my mouth. Because words can be said in any kind of tone. A person can judge the emotion of another by it's tone of voice and let me tell you something. All this time, my tone in every word in every entry i've wrote here is the same tone i use only when im calm. Calm enough to let it all flow out of my mind, whatever was buried or patched for a moment before.

Before i wrote this i told myself, i want to write whatever comes out of my mind. Doesn't matter what emotion i'm in, doesn't give a damn if those word seems unfair, critism, inconsiderate, selfish or even ~~rebellious~~ to some human. Cause that's exactly how i feel, exactly what im thinking at that moment. I know it'll be far more meaningful when i read back in the future because i'll know how i felt when i wrote it. I know my own tone when i read my writings, i myself, no one else could ever know myself better than i do. No one else.

That is why i always say i don't like shallow judgemental people. They don't know me, i don't know them and none of us could ever know better than ourselves.
They judge their caracters, their acts, their words. Labels, labels, labels.
As if they know everything, as if they always right, well guess what?
If we judge them back they'll say, "who do you think you are? you dont know me."
Well, you dont know me either so mind your own bussiness and don't label people.
Cause we're all born the same way, live, laugh, love the same way, die and goes back to ground too.
So humans, ask yourself what makes you think you're better than others?

P.S: do take note of this, the last paragraph is not personal matter or whatsoever. it's the same thing i see in every person i meet, i care because this topic is tagged in my mind. Even a simple story i hear from people my brain automatically takes me to this matter.
It's uncontrollable, it's my mind thinking in general.

Left Right Left Right

2010-02-20T19:20:00.000+08:00

Went out last Tuesday. I got my military blazer! yeay! my eyes didn't stop lingered through every clothes. The urge to buy them was just too much to ignore. Its was so tempting, imagine if all the clothes have mouth and eyes, they'd be calling out my name "Hani, Hani..come n' get me". hahah
But i could've not been more happier after i found the blazer i wanted so much. Thats the only reason i can control myself not to buy the most cutest blouse i've ever seen. shakes head*
Next time Hani, next time. sigh*

Here's a funny story, back home while trying it out with every shirts and dresses i coincidently found, my sister's old blazer which was given to me. I totally forgot about it and truth be told, *whispering* i like that one better. HAHA!
Shhh, dont tell the military blazer ;p

From left, the military blazer and my sister's. which one's your pick?

My Fear

2010-02-19T19:04:00.003+08:00

Not Judgemental.

2010-02-17T02:09:00.004+08:00

I recently rung up a young boy and his mother. When he saw me at the register, wearing a hijab, he grinned broadly at me. As they were walking away afterwards, he tugged on his mom's sleeve and said,

"Did you see her, ma? She's gorgeous! I bet that's why she's all covered up."

He gives me hope.

- GMH

Wishlist

2010-02-15T17:54:00.000+08:00

new high heels

just kidding. no way im wasting money on this.

ulala :)

military blazer/jacket

no one is officially a girl without a little black dress of her own.

aaannd

i know it's a long shot. love you Michael.

You're not sorry

2010-02-14T19:53:00.002+08:00

I miss you so much it hurts

2010-02-14T19:15:00.001+08:00

Just got 'This Is It' movie from my brother. It feels almost like Michael Jackson never left, until finally i remembered he did.

Watching him moving on stage with his boney figure, it hurts thinking "How can nobody see how painful he was on that stage?". He couldn't even reach the same note when he screamed like he did in every song. Thriller, Earth Song, Bad, Dirty Diana, and his other priceless priceless priceless masterpiece.

If i was there when he's still breathing, i'd take him home and feed him till he loves cake more than those freaking pills. Dang you stupid pills, you took away the only legend i love.

Our One And Only, Michael.

2010-02-14T16:46:00.000+08:00

Him: Annie are you okay? So, Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie?
Me: No, Im not okay. How can I be okay knowing the fact you're not breathing anymore, MJ.

Today

2010-02-09T01:51:00.000+08:00

Since now the clock on the bottom right side of my computer states it is 12.37am i guess that makes this story is yesterday's.

Today, was awful.

I woke up at 6.25am still sleepy as always. Didn't get much sleep as always. Wish i could just freeze the time and get more rest for my aching body from the cross country, as always.

Went to school thinking about how am i going to get over Chocolate boy. Thinking that it's better now than after the truth gets stuck in my head since i wasn't sure of what kind of that special bond they're having.

Trying to avoid everything about him all day. His walk, the smile, that body language, his eyes..shakes head*

But, in every image of him in my head i can't crop her out. She's in every shoot i take of Chocolate boy.

Half of the day's almost over and i think i did a pretty good job ignoring him for today.

And as i was walking down the stairs, Syasya blurted out those words over and over again, "Chocolate's with her. O my God, he's with her. I can't believe it, he couples with her."

Cyeah, that sure made my day even ~~better~~. The only two words that came out of my mouth were, "I know".

Today, was great.

My mother woke me up with her soothing voice, sweetly persuades me to get up and get ready for school. Works everytime. Enduring the tiredness and laziness, i got myself up and ready.

In class, we got our exam papers back with our grades marked with the same red ink pen i've seen in my whole life schooling. My marks weren't great but they're decent. Decent enough to not fail and sort of made me relieved cause i know i did my best.

Regina, my classmate, my ~~horny~~ friend.

We got really high today in class. Made up horny jokes and laughed like two crazy maniacs when others don't get a word we were talking about. haha

She then started threat me and Auni with her animatic facial expressions saying she'll walk back home with us since my house and Auni's is only a few feets away. That she wants to take Auni's new touchscreen phone and my dad's guitar plus the amplifier.

We literally ran away and hide from her when school finished. haha

Back home i fell asleep with the tv on downstairs when suddenly the phone rang and jerked me up.

Teena called asking me to open the door. Changed my clothes, went streaming down, took a peek at the window and saw four blue shirt girls standing in front of my gate.

Regina, Teena, Auni and Husna. hahaha

Truly was a pleasant surprise to have them crashing my house. Especially with Regina joining in, i hesitated to open the gate. hahah

Inside, i served them with the brownies Auni bought and plain water (i didn't know they were coming).

Regina was being 'jakun' and constantly saying, "Omg, thats the guitar. omg u ada senapang (my grandad's, totally safe and just for display). What is that thing?".

She and i had a couple wrestling matches when she took my phone and didn't want to give it back.

I sat on her, crushing her into the couch with my back pressuring her till her face turned red but i still didn't manage to win my phone back. hahah

Even after they were getting out to go back home she still refused to give it back until the last round of wrestling. I won. haha

Definitely. Best. Day. Since. New Year.

Photo of the day.

Wouldn't stop carves smile on my face.

Un-vulnerability

2010-02-07T15:19:00.000+08:00

To love is to be vulnerable. Did i ever mention i dont like when im vulnerable? it weakens me.

now i know what’s this wall of bricks are here for.

Music Overdosed

2010-02-07T14:52:00.000+08:00

Currently in love with several songs.

♥Speechless by Lady Gaga

and i know that it's complicated
but i'm a loser in love so baby,
raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends

i'll never talk again
oh boy you've left me speechless
you've left me speechless,
so speechless
and i'll never love again,
oh friend you've left me speechless
you've left me speechless,
so speechless

♥Mess I Made by Parachute

I should've spoken up
I should've proudly claimed
That oh my head's to blame
For my hearts mistakes

But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away

♥Half of My Heart by John Mayer

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came
showing me another way and all that my love can bring

oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh with half of my heart

I'm 72.8% water

2010-02-07T02:42:00.001+08:00

The person you love is 72.8% water

What a day. my school held a cross country today. Like almost every year, i took part in it. but unlike other years, today i walked/jogged from the start with my bestfriend, Auni. By the end of the race my face burned except the region around my eyes maybe cause i didn't put sunblock on my eyelids. I looked like a tomato. haha

They were selling fruity ice blended this year. The mango flavor was delicious! i bought it twice. The second cup i tried lychee with dragon fruit flavor but then i gave it to Teena. yuck! sorry.

I guess i should admit i bought it 3 times cause i was drepressed. Husna came to us with Irsyad and she told me something. She said, she thinks its true, Chocolate boy hooked up with Marshmellow girl. haha

I love giving names, not for bad mouthing them. Just so those busybody people wouldn't know who i'm talking about.

She's cute, i agree. That news really turned off my mood today. Not cause im jealous, okay, fine..maybe i am. but mostly because that same feeling i was having, was exactly the same one i had in the past couple years. Disappointment. i was frustrated because i let myself feel that way again.

Anyhow, its just a rumour. He said he doesn't want any relationship, if the 'rumour' is true i guess he changed his mind. She does look really 'manja' or clingy, you know..acts like a new couple.

After the event, tae-kwan-do club had to stay for demo practice. I stayed but i didn't kick or punch, i just sat at the corner. Watching Husna, Teena, Shaffrul, Adzram, Luqman..and him practicing their kicks and punches. Its tiring..i think all, i mean every girl is tired of being invisible to their crush. But what to do? We're made to be shy and complicated.

"And I just wanna show you she don’t even know you
She’s never gonna love you like I want to

And you just see right through me

But if you only knew me

We could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable

Instead of just invisible"

'Invisible' by Taylor Swift

100th Entry

2010-02-06T00:14:00.001+08:00

Yey! 100th entry for my first blog ever!

...

now what? haha

i wanna make it special but i've no idea.

oh, why dont i just post this recent favourite pictures i found.

I.don't.like.fakers

Little Red Riding Hood

Oh, i can't wait for the upcoming movie Alice In Wonderland.

Connection

2010-01-30T16:57:00.002+08:00

These are the songs that reminds me of the people in my life. Why? cause i love music. Whenever i listen to my playlist and random song comes out i instantly get a 'flashback' or 'vision' if i must say. haha
its either that person gave/introduced that song to me or the lyric just reminds me alot about them, oor maybe i heard that song on that special moment it happened and in the future it becomes like a tag for certain memory. That's how i relive the moments, experiences and remembering my good ol' days.

Teena aka Aesha
- 'All The Right Moves' by One Republic
[cause it sounds like a chess song & she plays chess.]
- 'I Can Wait Forever' by Simple Plan

Syasya
- 'One And The Same' by Selena Gomez & Demi Lovato
[we always claim we're like sisters from another mother]
- 'Lullaby' by Lucy Walsh
- 'Forever And Almost Always' by Kate Voegele
- 'Dear God' by Avenged Sevenfold
[all 3 of the above, she gave it to me]
- 'Already Gone' by Kelly Clarkson
[lyric sort of suits the moment when we had that silent-argument]
- 'Dream' by Priscilla Ahn
[from the movie Bride Wars, which also reminds me of her]

Auni
- 'True' by Ryan Cabrera
- 'Kantoi' by Zee Avi
- 'Like Only A Woman Can' by Brian McFadden
- 'Learning To Breathe' by Switchfoot
[given by her]
- 'Lagu Untukmu' by Meet Uncle Hussain
(from the show KAMI, our favourite)
- 'Big Girls Dont Cry' by Fergie
[it rains everytime we sing this song. HAHA!]

Fye
- 'When It All Falls Apart' by The Veronicas
- 'Walk Away' by Paula Deanda
[i'd consider both of the above as 'our' songs. Miss her and the moments we had]
- 'Face Down' by TRJA
- 'Watch Me Make You Hate Me' by Call The Cops

Husna
- 'Pretty Boy' by M2M
- 'Corpse Bride' piano

My Sister, Elis.
- 'Gallery' by Mario Vasquez
[screw her ex for mistreating her]
- 'Because I'm A Girl' by Kiss (korean)

Regina
- '1,2,3' by Plain White T's
[first time ever someone played a guitar and sang it to me. if she's a boy i'd fall for her. hahah]

Fatin Najwa
- 'Grace Kelly' by Mika
[first time agreed we love this song i'd swear at that moment we were connecting]

My brother, Aziq.
- 'Semua Tentang Kita' by Peterpan
[first time i heard him sing]
- 'Monsoon' by Tokia Hotel
[heard while he played it in RockBand]
- 'Heaven' by Nidji
[first time he asked me to download a song]
- 'A Little Piece Of Heaven' by Avenged Sevenfold

Chocolate
- 'Shake It' by Metro Station
- 'Only Exception' by Paramore

Aki
- 'Map Of the Problematique' by Muse
[his favourite when i said mine was Endlessly]
- 'Saltwater Room' by Owl City
[heard it from his friend's blog]

Hanif
- 'Your Call' by Secondhand Serenade
[he gave it to me, said that he dedicated it for his gf]

Z
- 'Wait For You' by Elliott Yamin
- 'The Kill' by 30 Second to Mars
- 'Gone' by 3 Days Grace
- 'Goodbye' by Miley Cyrus
- 'Rehab' by Rihanna
- 'I'd Lie' by Taylor Swift
- 'You're Not Sorry' by Taylor Swift
[i won't describe this part cause i dont want to remember why these songs remind me so much about him]

P.S: the beige-ish highlighted songs are the ones that makes me smile or just really hit me on the right spot of the brain. I'd love to list down all songs and names that related but it'll be too long. sorry for those name i didn't mention.

River Flows In You feat Afterthought

2010-01-30T16:20:00.000+08:00

Singing version of my most favourite piano song, 'River Flows In You'.
Listen to it here,

http://chokedonchocolate.tumblr.com/post/361022145/afterthought-by-unknown-singing-version-of

its not perfect but i like it and truly appreciate the work. My most favourite song and someone put words in it to make it even more meaningful. How can i not like it, since my trials to put my own lyrics were all crappy.

I love a sentence in the lyric, 'second best is not what i needed'.

That's mostly how i feel whenever i meet new people. i dont hope much but deep inside i know myself wishing to have somebody that always make me him/her first choice to think about. Same concept with one of my favourite quote,

"Never make someone a priority when you're just an option to them"

Photoute one

2010-01-30T14:29:00.002+08:00

Dont waste your precious breath explaining that you are worthwhile.

How I Live

2010-01-30T13:55:00.002+08:00

Do it yourself and dont depend on others.

Two results when you depend on other than yourself.

1. you get what you want but not enough.
2. Disappointment.

Nowadays i can't stop wondering if i have my own place someday.
Like yesterday when i was watching a movie and the main character lives by herself. you can do anything. but then when i got to the bad side, i thought, it could a lonely life. That's where i have to depend on someone to be by my side. sigh*

I dont like wasting my time in disappointment. i know it's part of life. doesn't mean i can't avoid it. Why build more misery memories when you know you'd be happier without it.

Photoute

2010-01-30T13:36:00.004+08:00

Photo + Quote = Photoute (sounds more like a French meal or something. haha)

MLIA

2010-01-30T12:55:00.000+08:00

Today, I had to have my mom pick me up from school. As I was was waiting I recieved a text and since I was replying, I didn't see my mom pull up next to me, or my older brother jump out of the car. They then went on to open the car door, and throw me in, the whole time yelling "Dirve! Drive!" After I realized who it was, I stopped screaming to look out the window to find the whole parking lot of people with worried looks on their faces, assuming I had been kidnapped... best.family.ever. MLIA

Im bored. MLIA just made my day.

Read it, Breathe it, Live it.

2010-01-28T17:52:00.000+08:00

Im loving Tumblr less than tomorrow but more than yesterday.

Keep This In Mind

2010-01-27T15:43:00.000+08:00

He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.

Dream A Little Dream Of Me

2010-01-25T20:36:00.002+08:00

I dream. That confirms im normal enough. normal is boring. but dreams aren't boring. no, they're not supposed to.

What are they really? just dreams. nothing more. rite?

my dreams are my only 'sanctuary'. i think it's been invaded by my worst nightmare.

Just a week ago, i dreamt him again. Yesterday was the latest.

my bestfriend, Aesha suggested i count it down. I think i'll try that.

but for what? i dont know. Is it going to help? i dont think so.

i'll jot down certain details here. Yesterday, it was different.

instead of white shirt and glasses like in other dreams, he was wearing a 'dry leaf' green color shirt and jeans. just like how i used to see him in real life.

maybe, just maybe, that white shirt guy i keep seeing in my dreams is the guy i thought i saw in him. i hate to admit this cause i truly dont feel this way at all. i dont miss him, God no. i ~~miss~~ that person i thought he was. (its hard enough for me to type this, let alone say it)

i only 'admit' this cause its the only reason i can think of. but i really really dont feel that way. i couldn't find any other word to describe those dreams other than what is given to me, the word is 'miss'.

My Tumblr

2010-01-25T19:32:00.000+08:00

Okay. Finally, this is my Tumblr,

http://chokedonchocolate.tumblr.com/

I post alot of it are photos & quotes. i guess blogspot is truly the root of where i bury my thoughts with my own words. Tumblr is more like the simplification, the gallery.

Just smile, enjoy, embrace it and hope you find it's beauty.

Porr Yuu!

2010-01-19T20:13:00.000+08:00

Happy Belated Birthday, Aki.

You're 17! :o

No idea really. hope you like it :)

Simplified

2010-01-18T16:04:00.000+08:00

Out of tears

2010-01-16T19:38:00.000+08:00

People say "crying is good for health". my dad said to me once, "women live longer than men because they throw all the loads off when they cry". i don't know about longer lifetime but it's true. we cry for happiness and sorrow, sometimes for no apparent reason at all.

i have a problem but I'm not quite sure why i consider it as a problem really. it's been awhile i haven't caught myself crying. it's been, awhile.
it's not a hobby of mine to cry but i do it sometimes. cause i know it's good for me, for my thoughts to rest and let all emotions out until it gets to work again.
i just couldn't find the right emotion that could bring out the tears. Honestly, sometimes i feel like i ignore too much emotions that i can't even figure what im feeling at the moment.

Ever since i got over him, i just couldn't find myself to cry anymore. It's like im out of reason to cry or my emotions just not enough for me to let it out.
i feel the loads on me sometimes. like when i think about where i stand now.
im finishing high school, im finishing schooling but i still haven't figure out the right career. i just lost her as a bff or bestie but i gain her back as a friend. im facing examinations and trials but i still can't win the fight with my laziness.
i take deep breath alot nowadays, but it does nothing.

im stress and i can't feel any emotions. the only reason im still standing is because i want to live. i depend on laughter to bring me up each day and to make it all worth waking up for.

To most girls

2010-01-15T01:35:00.000+08:00

"The wrong people always look so right to me."

Barely Personal

2010-01-13T17:39:00.001+08:00

Im keeping my Tumblr personal & private, perhaps just for now. im not really active in it since it's still new to me & im busy with much important stuffs. so i dont see any reason to 'promote' it.

i want everything to be stable first only then maybe, maybe i'll give the address.

part of me wants it to be personal but then again my brother already in my following, not so personal afterall. haha

Instant Quote

2010-01-11T18:27:00.000+08:00

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.— David Russell

Not a Goodbye

2010-01-10T20:47:00.002+08:00

To my dear Blogspot,
Sorry to say that i wouldn't be able to write you more often. This year is all about the BIG exam. I couldn't make you as my first thought before it even if i want to. So im focusing on study study study. Despite more dramas keep occuring in my life i've to get my priority straight.
One more thing, i just made an account in Tumblr. I know i said i probably wouldn't but i did, too much temptations. Then again i started thinking of doing it since i realize my blog here isn't so fun anymore and not so safe afterall. i expected readers to just read and understand, not to spy, judge or anything else. and so i decided to open up to Tumblr. Dont worry Blogspot, you'll always be my first place to share half the story of my life.
I'll be visiting you when i have the time.

Love,

Haniidayu

More Quotes

2010-01-07T00:47:00.000+08:00

Is it wrong to leave just so you'd know if you're important to them?

I dont think so.

If you are important to them, congratulations. All the careness you've given to them in the past was worth it.

If you're not, or you dont know cause they dont even care to tell you, then maybe leaving was the right choice after all.

It's like 1,2,3.

2010-01-05T01:55:00.003+08:00

I felt like a teddy bear on first day of school today. haha
Given all my friends my bear hugs just like i promised in my New Year's wish.
Definitely one of the best reunion i've had. While assembly, husna said something about not believing we're going to school today. I mean are you sure it's school day? hahah
Then i said, "Well next year we'll be wondering, are you sure we're NOT going to school?". We're seniors! Gah! still cant believe it's our last year schooling, wearing uniforms (aww, im gonna miss this.~~not~~.).
I got front seat just like i wanted, thank God i dont have to sit behind those noisy farting boys in my class.
I wonder if there's going to be new student attending my school. nahh, probably not it's too risky.

It's funny, today i went through all channels for great shows on tv but i've seen it all. Finally i saw this asian drama, Boys Before Flowers. Remembered that i used to watch chinese/taiwanese/japanese/korean dramas all the time when i was in primary school.
i watched it anyway, and man, how i've forgotten how cute chinese looking boys are. I've always like chinese looks. grinning*
dang you Astro, trying to get me back to the memory lane ;p

Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

2010-01-05T01:15:00.002+08:00

Bloo: Being a burden is great. It's like my... seventh favorite thing to be.

Eduardo: Azul, you are not el perrito!
Bloo: I most certainly am not a burrito!

Mac: What do we do? Nothing is working.
Bloo: Then it's time to take drastic actions, and I've got just the plan. Operation Abe Lincoln Drop Purple Scaredy Cat Run and Scramble. From the arboreal vantage point, we shall unleash the ultimate weapon, creating a devastating chain reaction the likes of which the galaxy has never known!
Mac: What?
Bloo: I drop this fake spider on Eduardo, he freaks out, and everyone runs away.

Bloo: [an imposter Bloo is trying to get Mac to give him Ice Capades tickets] Mac, look me in the eyes. You know it's me. Think of all the times we've had together, think of the special bond that only best friends can share. Mac, you complete me. I... I love you.
Mac: Yeah, okay, sappy. It's definitely not you.

Bloo: [disapprovingly] I don't know whose plan this was.
Wilt: It was yours.
Bloo: And it's genius!

Eduardo: This is for Frankie. What is two plus three?
Frankie: Uh, five?
Eduardo: Señor Herriman?
Mr. Herriman: Of course it's five, you numbskull.
Eduardo: Azul?
Bloo: Well, Ed, my opponents say five. But you know what I say? Five is not good enough! I say six, or seven, or even forty-two!

Mac: Quit it, Bloo!
Bloo: What? I'm just trying to clean.
Mac: Spraying air freshener isn't cleaning.
Bloo: Is too! I'm cleaning the air. Cleaning and freshening.
Frankie: Well, go find some other place to clean and freshen, would ya?
Bloo: Fine, if that's how you feel about it. But don't come crying to me when your air gets all stale and filthy.
Frankie: [annoyed] I'll keep that in mind.

Oh hey, it's school again.

2010-01-03T22:37:00.000+08:00

I was reading someone's status on facebook. Someone's status was "Why does there have to be school tomarrow" someone commented "Because you spelled tomorrow wrong." - MLIA

I'm Up For Anything

2010-01-03T18:27:00.000+08:00

"Books make people less alone", i think its true.
Ever since the first day of new year some drastic changes keep occuring around me.

1st Jan 2010
On new year's countdown me and my bestfriend, Aesha counted every second together in the phone before we made a promise to ourselves. Then my brother cooked me some midnight supper. A very decent celebration for the end of a new beginning.
That Friday my parents supposed to 'balik kampung' to Melaka but since it was only for 2 days and both my siblings weren't going so i decided for the first time not to go. It's another step for me to be indenpendant, sort of.
After my parents departed, me and my brother both went to do our stuffs. That stuff was putting up our 'furniture' for our room we bought from Ikea the other day. I had to clean my room first only then i can put up the furniture. When suddenly i smelled something downstairs so i thought my brother must've been heating up the side dish my mom left for us. Only to find that my brother had burned the only side dish for us to eat. we went out for dinner that night, his treat. haha

2nd Jan 2010
For the first time in my life, i cooked rice. Let me repeat that for you, Aesha. Yes, i cooked rice. LOL
It was perfect! except for the part i cooked too much. Beginners mistake. hee
Oh and my brother cooked a side dish but i didn't get the chance to taste it cause he cooked it after i already ate.

3rd Jan 2010
Guess what im wearing? It's shiny, it's purple, it changes my look and it makes me see the world differently.
I got my glasses today. A bit dizzy now, my eyes still trying to adapt with it.

In 3 days so much have changed. it might be small things but it matters to me. Why is 2010 the end of a new beginning? Because it's obviously the last year for being where i am now before taking a step to another side of a new perspectives and surroundings. I'm excited.

'I can never read all the books I want;

I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want.

I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want?

I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.'

-Sylvia Plath

Common but True

2010-01-02T23:37:00.000+08:00

Agree on every word in this.

I Promise I Wont Miss You, 2009.

2010-01-02T22:39:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what would happen

if everyone in the world jumped at the same time.

Hello, 2010.

Happy 2nd January of 2010 world!

Besties, Last Song.

2009-12-29T05:13:00.001+08:00

I was reading through my older posts and i can see that it's been a while i haven't post anything about you anymore. I guess im good now.
Reading back my last post for you (title 'And you left me hanging'), i think it's my last word. I wouldn't change a word in it.
I dont prefer putting the word 'bestie' in any of the posts. But it seems like the only way to get you to read it.
Dont get me wrong.
Anyhow, all i want to say is, if you're worried about me posting another tale about us, dont. I dont think i will anymore. So dont worry and just live your life.

Instant Post

2009-12-28T02:34:00.001+08:00

Computer burnt by lightning again. Posting from my phone. Testing 1,2,3. Sigh*

Had that same dream again, God! What am i suppose to do to make it stop. i came up with a theory though, i think all this freaky dreams im having represent the past not the future. I hope its not. Dont know what i'd do if i face it. Urgh
In other words, i think im being hunted by my past. Gosh, never thought i'd say that.
Its midnight already and i have eye appointment in the morning. Great, another flaw.
Night all :)

Polaroid is Fun

2009-12-25T00:58:00.000+08:00

This video, entitled My Favourite Things, is about a young girl who takes polaroid photographs of her favourite things and keeps them safe in a little container, which is soon discovered by a young boy who is fascinated with her, it’s so beautiful and truly brilliant.

Reblogged from nikilynn

Two Matters

2009-12-25T00:09:00.000+08:00

First, when you really care about someone you unconciously trying to prove that to them. But i heard this saying, "When caring hurts, i tend to stop". I know that sounds selfish & it is but my excuse is, why keep trying when they dont even care. So i guess that's why i cherish those who proved to me as much as i've proven to them.

Secondly, its flattering but then again it's awkward for me when someone praise my look. my reason, i have flaws. Flaws that i wouldn't tell anyone (everyone have flaws), but when you say i look pretty directly to my face i feel like you dont even know what you're saying. its like a joke to me for a second there. but i accept it anyway, what kind of girl wouldn't appreciate a compliment.
The thing is, im not the kind of girl who look at the mirror everyday & say, "Darling, you're the fairest of them all" (excuse me while i go vomit) HAHA! and so when someone praises my look i get blur for a second, its weird, cause i dont even say that to myself.

P.S: the teacher i admire so much suddenly asked why is it that girls go blur & blink their eyes when someone say they look pretty? I figured he asked cause i did that when he praised the way i look the other day. haha. That's why im straightening this matter now.

I have tears in my eyes

2009-12-24T16:15:00.000+08:00

Best of today. My life is Average.

Last night, my dream catcher broke. Then, I had a nightmare in which I married Miley Cyrus.

Last night my friends and I went to see New Moon. It was pretty quite in the theater until Jacob took his shirt off. Behind me I heard someone say, "Ohhh lordy, look at that," I turned around and saw 2 grandma's practically drooling. I was about to say something, but someone beat me too it. "He's seventeen you pedofile!" I looked around to see who said that. It was my science teacher.

Today, I, trying to be cute, told my boyfriend he was priceless. His response? "Actually, the human body, elemently speaking, goes for approximately $14.52, so i would be around there. You on the other hand are priceless :)". Nerd love. He's a keeper.

Today, my boyfriend & I were fooling around with Mystery Google. To be funny, he put in "My penis" & ended up getting the result "Your search is too short." I'm still laughing about it.

Today, while driving, my GPS somehow got set to a British man. When I made a sharp left turn, my GPS man shouted "WEEE!" in British accent. I now make many more sharp turns, just to hear this.

Yesterday, my dad and I finally got the time to go watch New Moon together. We seemed to be the only two guys in the theater that went there willingly, and at the very end of the movie, one girl screams "Team Edward!" and a group of girls somewhere else scream "Team Jacob!" back at her. This happens a couple more times with more girls getting more excited each time, until my dad jumps up and screams "Team Bella!". All the guys in the theater cheered.

Today, I realized that if I leave my fridge open long enough it makes a sound that sounds like our fire alarm is going off, I don't know which is funnier, my 16 year old macho brother screaming like a girl, or my dad running outside in his underwear.

French Fries

2009-12-24T15:27:00.000+08:00

I finally learned how to do french braid! haha

Can I Have This Dance

2009-12-23T03:31:00.000+08:00

Girl, you're smiling aren't you?

Im not a fan of Leonardo Dicaprio really. Love the movie but not my all-time favorite.

I love the gesture in this picture.

Beatboxing Chocolate

2009-12-20T20:11:00.000+08:00

Today, i went to a friend's birthday party at Studio Cafe near my neighbourhood. It was nice, the food was great (ofcourse. that was my breakfast. I was starving!) and there were many boys than girls. As always, a party wouldn't be complete without games. We had Guessing the Weight' game and 'Chocolate' won. hahah

'Chocolate' is a nickname i gave to a boy. He's simply ordinary 'laid back' kind of person yet interesting. I dont have a crush on him, no. He just seems interesting and beside, i only pretend to like him in front of my friends so they wouldn't think im boring not having any crush to talk about. haha

After that the birthday boy started calling us to sing on stage. My good ol' friend we called 'Chef' sang Hotel California (i sang along in the chorus) then surprisingly 'Chocolate' and the birthday boy went on stage and they sang a rock n' roll song or sumthing (idontknow). The birthday boy sang but 'Chocolate' did the guitar & drums sound since there was no music. LOL. He made me laugh, it was cute. haha

But in the middle of all that my bestfriend told me something that reminded me. She told me that a good friend of mine asked her out with few of his friends which i also know who they are but when my bestfriend asked him if he invited me, he changed the subject. bohoo. haha
The thing is, i forgot that you can never trust anyone no matter how good they are to you, really. In the end of the day, the only person you can depend on is you. I know you cant see the connection between this 'reminder' and the news i got. But really, i've been through this situation for all my life. Being left out again, again, aaand again seems like just another day for me.

Funny thing was he just messaged me right on time i was writing this asking me out. LOL
Too bad im not taking this back. Sorry.
Thanks for reminding me though. Have a good day :)

I Met Joker Today

2009-12-19T20:41:00.001+08:00

I hope this will cheer you up cause it sure made me LOL.

A tourist couple driving through La Jolla start arguing about how to pronounce the name of the town. So they stop for lunch, and while they're ordering, they ask the cashier, "Can you tell us where we are? How do you pronounce it?" The employee replies, speaking slowly, "Burrrr-gerrrrr Kiiiiiiiing."

An old married couple had four boys. The older three had red hair and light skin, the youngest had black hair and dark eyes. On his deathbed, the father turned to his wife and said, "Honey, be honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything holy, he is your son." Then he passed away. The wife then said, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

A cruise ship passes a small desert island. Everyone watches as a ratty-looking bearded man runs out on the beach and starts shouting and waving his hands.
"Who's that?" asks one of the passengers.
"I have no idea," replies the captain. "But every year we sail past and he goes nuts."

A guy walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor asks, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, get this guy off my ass."

One day a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Okay, send me your mother."

After dinner, two elderly women retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat. One of the men says, "Last night we went out to a great new restaurant." The other asks, "What's it called?" The first man knits his brow in concentration and finally says, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friend replies, "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the first man says. "The poppy?" wonders his friend. "No," growls the man. "You know, the one with thorns!" "Do you mean a rose?" asks the other man. "Yes, that's it!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

A man's talking to his friend and he says, "I'm about to go on vacation, and I don't know what to do." His buddy asks, "Why?" And the man says, "Well, last year's vacation was Hawaii. Came back, and the wife was pregnant. The year before that was the Bahamas. Came back, the wife was pregnant. The year before that, Paris. Came back, wife pregnant. His buddy asks, "So what are you going to do differently this year?" And the guy says, "Well, this year I'm going to bring the wife."

A blond goes into an electronics store and asks, "How much is this TV?" The salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds." So she dyes her hair and comes back as a brunette. "How much is this TV?" she asks. Again the salesman says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blonds." A few weeks later she goes in as a redhead, but again he announces, "We don't sell to blonds!" Finally she says, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blond?" The salesman says, "Because it's not a TV. It's a microwave."

One night, on a camping trip, Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says, "Look at the stars. What do you deduce?" Watson thinks for a minute and says, "Well, I see millions of stars, many of which resemble our sun, which most likely have their own planets, which most likely have life-forms like us, so I deduce that there is life on other planets." And Sherlock says, "No, you idiot, someone's stolen our tent."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the f* away from me."

A man sits alone on the couch with his soon-to-be mother-in-law and the family dog. The man is so nervous that his stomach begins to hurt and — "Pfft!" — he accidentally lets out a little gas. He's horrified until the mother-in-law yells, "Rocco!" And the man thinks, She thinks it's the dog! So he lets another one rip, and the mother-in-law yells, "Rocco!" again. Feeling confident now, the man lets out a really loud, big, fat, wet one — "PFFFFFFT!" And she yells, "Rocco! Come here before that pervert shits on you, too!"

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents — two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
"You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife."
"Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interviewer.
The second man is given the same instructions. Five minutes later, he emerges with tears in his eyes and says, "I can't."
Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, she comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow. "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she says. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Tiny Thoughts

2009-12-18T02:00:00.000+08:00

"I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it."

Come On Barbie, Lets Go Party!

2009-12-18T00:52:00.001+08:00

Yesterday i realized I've posted some emotional stuffs lately. its so boring (even i say so). haha
From now on i'll add few things i copy from my current favourite website. Its where people around the world shares story about the average moment of their life. First look and i love it instantly. It made my day :)

My life is average:
"In the summer, my friends and I went to Greece. One day, we called a taxi, to go to a different part of town and Barbie Girl by Aqua came on the radio. The driver turned it up full blast turned, singing the part of Ken. Instantly, we joined in simultaneously singing Barbie's lines. For the rest of the holiday we called him whenever we needed a taxi and he accepted, as long as we sang along with him for the journey. It made our holiday, and he didn't charge once."

Private Paradise

2009-12-17T01:09:00.000+08:00

I have this one imaginary place i created when i was little & i always dream to go there if that such place does exist. Everytime i listen to classical music it calms me down and then i let my mind flies to that special private paradise of mine. It'd be a dream come true if one day i find myself standing there in reality and not just another imagination in my head while im at peace.

In order to realize that dream, i added a goal in my list. That is to have my own vacation house in Lake District, United Kingdom. It fits perfectly with what i imagined.

Secret Recipe

2009-12-16T22:52:00.000+08:00

you gotta admit, its true.

Earth wouldn't be facing global warming & extinctions if it weren't for us.