Self-reflecting. That's what I've discovered to find very useful since I was little. It helps you to get matured and wise in a short time, as long as you keep your mind opened.
So recently (about 3 minutes ago) I just discovered something about myself.
I was going through the twitter timeline when I stumbled upon a tweet made by my senior. He's just recently got into a relationship, I think, and he was tweeting about his girlfriend, that she's sick and still recovering. That he worries about her and he prays to Allah that she will be feel better soon.
Alright, for most girls they might find it very sweet and romantic. But to me, I feel the otherwise.
I don't know why, but I find it repulsive when a guy gets all mushy, after they've just got into a relationship. When they're all, clingy and want to know what you're doing every second of the day, or when you get sick and they make this baby voice to show how sympathizing they feel about your misfortune. Even when they make you feel like you're the only girl they see, or the only girl in the world, you're all they ever talk about. It gets me squirm. Seriously.
I don't know..I find these actions to be very unattractive and unmanly. Very repulsive, to be honest.
I like having the same person to be with everyday, but only if I choose to be with that person. I mean, I've gone out with my besties, and talk to them on Whatsapp almost everyday. But friends are different, we don't talk mushy stuff, I mean not like real mushy stuff, we show affection but mostly with a hint of sarcasm or jokes. But with a partner, it's different. It's like you're bound to say mushy stuff and mean it because you are "in love". To me, first few months should still be treated as if you two are just really good friends. Unless if you've already known each other for a very long time, but still. Keep it naturally mysterious and fun, don't give your all in a blink of an eye.
I love having to still figure out who that person is myself, I wanna get to know them based on what I've been digging. It's more meaningful that way because you are truly getting to know this person and really starting to find the shape of their character, their uniqueness. Also, in that period of time getting to know them, you will see what part of them that fits you and what makes him even more amusing. The things that only you know because you've gained their trust to show their true colour little by little. And you find out that all on your own, not because he just gives it and put them all on the table because you're his girlfriend. That's not fun, not adventurous. It's boring and I get bored easily.
Even if he doesn't give out all on the table, they just look really unmanly when they act that way. I know he only wants to show some love. But that's way too much love for two weeks relationship for me. Don't be a jerk who treats his girlfriend like a hoe, but don't be that guy who can't control his emotions and clings to his girlfriend as if she's his only life source.
Give SPACES, it is fake to be really really really in love when you've only known each other for a very short time. In the end relationship still needs some spice of quarrel and arguments. That's what it is about. Getting to know each other in time and still be amused with each other in every way, for a very long time.
I'm just that type who love a guy who keeps it mysterious, who doesn't show his true feelings out loud but shows it in the little things he does for me, the discreet things that only I could feel and only he knows how to make me feel it. I find that to be very attractive. Be a guy, not a clingy or a jerk.
May 17, 2012
January 26, 2012
January 16, 2012
Am I mad enough to be sane?
You know when people say, "At least you've tried." Damn well, I tried.
It doesn't hurt anymore.. if it matters.
I tried..to move on you know. I thought I was close to love again. I thought I was able to fall for someone again. I did, actually, I did. I fell for this guy in my class..
I thought it was different this time, that he might just be the one to help me get out of your world. You see, because I always compare every guy I met with you. Every single damn time, I'd search for you in every guy I meet. None of them made me want to get to know them any better, cause none of them were you. But this guy, I didn't even notice you pass by my mind whenever he's near. He was who he is to me, and I like him. He was him to my eyes and not you. So I fell for him...or so I thought.
One night of him showing his true face, him admitting how little he cares of me..was enough to make me forget about my feelings for him.
And you know what, I wouldn't be too happy to hear myself saying this..
And you know what, I wouldn't be too happy to hear myself saying this..
But if truth be told, my love, the only reason I'm still willing to go through this pain is because it is you. 5 years of hope, my love, and I would not have done it for anyone else but you.
Some would say I'm crazy. But they don't know me. I've loved and wanted you, your perfections and your flaws, all of you. I fell deep and hard.. And maybe, just maybe, the only way to forget you is to be diagnosed with amnesia.
November 28, 2011
Existence, do I matter?
Ever feel as if your existence is not memorable at all? It's like even if you disappear, no one and nothing will be affected.
It's like, hearing the laughter of your family downstairs while you're alone in your room. Thinking, "Do they even notice I'm not with them? Do they even care?" I feel that my family and friends wouldn't even be affected to my disappearance. Their lives will go just as it usually does everyday and not a single fuck was given. I feel like even without me existing, my family would've been completed. I feel like my existence doesn't mean anything.
I was never anyone's first choice to be in their first thought, nor for the first to accept their love. I was always the second thought. So, does it matter if I was here?
Maybe, perhaps Allah knows best for why he gave me this opportunity. And maybe, just maybe, He is the only one who truly loves me. But oh, that thought of Him being the only one who loves me in this universe makes me want to be with him even closer and I mean, closer with him in the after death. Because I can't bear this pain anymore. I can't stay in this world, searching for true pure honest love when I know I only get it from Allah SWT. I don't belong here.
It's like, hearing the laughter of your family downstairs while you're alone in your room. Thinking, "Do they even notice I'm not with them? Do they even care?" I feel that my family and friends wouldn't even be affected to my disappearance. Their lives will go just as it usually does everyday and not a single fuck was given. I feel like even without me existing, my family would've been completed. I feel like my existence doesn't mean anything.
I was never anyone's first choice to be in their first thought, nor for the first to accept their love. I was always the second thought. So, does it matter if I was here?
Maybe, perhaps Allah knows best for why he gave me this opportunity. And maybe, just maybe, He is the only one who truly loves me. But oh, that thought of Him being the only one who loves me in this universe makes me want to be with him even closer and I mean, closer with him in the after death. Because I can't bear this pain anymore. I can't stay in this world, searching for true pure honest love when I know I only get it from Allah SWT. I don't belong here.
November 23, 2011
November 11, 2011
Poverty is a cycle...but it can be broken.
Poverty is a cycle...but it can be broken.: The cycle of poverty is an issue that begins when a child is born into an extremely low income family and enters an environment that lacks stimulation. With lack of education, children grow up with low self-image due to improper attention from caring role-models.Delinquency, loitering, gangsterism and abuse are highly common amongst illiterate teenagers; further lowering their chances of obtaining a secure and steady job. The issue snowballs when these teenagers get involved in pre-marital sex and are forced to start families without a stable income. The poverty cycle will then be passed on to the next generation.How does the cycle end?Education.Dignity for Children promotes the importance of education and funds one-stop community-learning centres to help children between the age of 2-17 yrs old. All Dignity Education Programmes are based on the national curriculum as prescribed by the MOE, but incorporate Montesorri principles and philosophies in execution. This means that proper training is carried out for volunteers who wish to become teachers.
With over 14,000 children in Malaysia who do not have access to school, teachers are in great demand in foundations such as Dignity. The life-changing work of Dignity for Children Foundation is only made possible through the continued help and support of people like you! Get involved and become a seed of change in a child’s life today.
With over 14,000 children in Malaysia who do not have access to school, teachers are in great demand in foundations such as Dignity. The life-changing work of Dignity for Children Foundation is only made possible through the continued help and support of people like you! Get involved and become a seed of change in a child’s life today.
Light up a little life!
Light up a little life!: Yayasan Sunbeams Home is a place that sheds light to underprivileged children in Malaysia. Having homed the displaced, misplaced, abused and neglected children of single parents since 1995, Sunbeams is the beacon of hope for children that long for a bright future.With several homes, daycare centres, learning centres and a feeding ministry set up within Malaysia, Sunbeams meets the daily needs of children at a feat of RM 80,000 per month. Depending on the support of people like YOU, Sunbeams hopes to provide more and reach more underprivileged children in Malaysia through their wishes to expand. With a current RM 1.5 million renovation plan that caters to 100 children, your monetary donation, large or small will be greatly appreciated. If you are interested in helping out in other ways, do consider donating items, offering your time, service, or even spread the word of the amazing work in place. Every little bit helps.
August 29, 2011
I'm in loooove. Nothing big, really.
I'll save the time by answering the big question. Who?
It's Kevin Wu also known as Kevjumba. He's Youtube famous. I'm addicted to his videos. And for obvious reason (if you're my friend you'd know this), I'm a sucker for asian/korean/chinese face. Not the nerdy "Apek" kind of chinese face, God, NO. The cute nerdy kind, you know. I just love that adorable squinty eyes. The kind that appears innocent, naive and nerdy but acts like a skaterboy or just casually cool, plus their cool open-minded common sense and their sense of humor. It's just. It gets me all the time, I can't help it okay. *sigh
So anyway, what I love about him based on these past few days ofdrooling *cough* adoring his videos, there are plenty qualities of him that caught my attention.
He's not an A-list celebrity, not a professional dancer or entertainer, not a genius, not a billionaire, he doesn't have that perfect skin nor a perfect face structure, not a full-time hottie like Zac Efron. BUT..
He started off as this chinese guy making these videos in his room, looking so cute talking like he doesn't even care what anyone would respond.
He can dance, not that great but he can dance or shuffle.
He's pretty smart, just a hunch. He keeps mentioning it's essential to get good grades when you're asian.
He's a family guy. What can I say, girls love guys who love his family. He includes his dad Michael Wu or Papa Jumba in some of his videos. They're originally just funny together.
He confessed he is momma's boy. So cute.
He has grown now, 21 year old (3 years older), taller, tougher, hair's longer..basically, he's turning into a hottie.
He have another channel on Youtube for charity called JumbaFund. I think he have such a big heart to give back.
He knows his limit, he doesn't curse too much, he doesn't like incoherent songs. But I doubt he doesn't listen to them.
He's this and that. He's isn't perfect, nor is he has everything checks on my list of "My Man". But I just love him for who he is, his flaws and strongsuits, they're Kevin and I love everything that I know about him at this moment.
I can continue with other things from why I'm feeling hurt from this crushing on someone who doesn't even know I exist, to my random emotional seasons or something totally random. But I'll stop here, so, goodnight.
Goodnight Kevin Wu :)
It's Kevin Wu also known as Kevjumba. He's Youtube famous. I'm addicted to his videos. And for obvious reason (if you're my friend you'd know this), I'm a sucker for asian/korean/chinese face. Not the nerdy "Apek" kind of chinese face, God, NO. The cute nerdy kind, you know. I just love that adorable squinty eyes. The kind that appears innocent, naive and nerdy but acts like a skaterboy or just casually cool, plus their cool open-minded common sense and their sense of humor. It's just. It gets me all the time, I can't help it okay. *sigh
So anyway, what I love about him based on these past few days of
He's not an A-list celebrity, not a professional dancer or entertainer, not a genius, not a billionaire, he doesn't have that perfect skin nor a perfect face structure, not a full-time hottie like Zac Efron. BUT..
He started off as this chinese guy making these videos in his room, looking so cute talking like he doesn't even care what anyone would respond.
He can dance, not that great but he can dance or shuffle.
He's pretty smart, just a hunch. He keeps mentioning it's essential to get good grades when you're asian.
He's a family guy. What can I say, girls love guys who love his family. He includes his dad Michael Wu or Papa Jumba in some of his videos. They're originally just funny together.
He confessed he is momma's boy. So cute.
He has grown now, 21 year old (3 years older), taller, tougher, hair's longer..basically, he's turning into a hottie.
He have another channel on Youtube for charity called JumbaFund. I think he have such a big heart to give back.
He knows his limit, he doesn't curse too much, he doesn't like incoherent songs. But I doubt he doesn't listen to them.
He's this and that. He's isn't perfect, nor is he has everything checks on my list of "My Man". But I just love him for who he is, his flaws and strongsuits, they're Kevin and I love everything that I know about him at this moment.
I can continue with other things from why I'm feeling hurt from this crushing on someone who doesn't even know I exist, to my random emotional seasons or something totally random. But I'll stop here, so, goodnight.
Goodnight Kevin Wu :)
July 3, 2011
Time is tearing me apart piece by piece
I’m not a fan of changes. I could deal with it for some cases but when the hard one comes, a little bit of my youth is destroyed. Ever since the death of my late Grandfather, it traumatizes me to think of not being able to say my goodbyes to those who matters in my life before it’s too late, just like how I didn’t get chance to say goodbye to my grandfather.. I wanted to tell him how much I love him, how I wish I could’ve learn more from him while he was alive. I wanted to be there holding his hands, telling him it’ll be alright before the surgery and after surgery, I’d whisper to his ear that it’s all over and that he could open his eyes..
The least I ask is a chance to see him while he’s still breathing.
My grandma’s going ‘Umrah’ again this July. I wanted to say I love her, I do, but why wouldn’t it come out. That wonders me..
I’m so hurt, so much had happened and sometimes when it hurts too bad there’s a part of me shuts off. The part that helps me to convey my joyful, cheerful side. But no more, I’m no longer functioning the way I used to. Sadly, I couldn’t find the reasons to regain myself and beat this gloomy version of myself. I’m too damaged and my cures are all scattered, everything fell apart. I have this scars and wounds that wouldn’t heal, the little demons keep lingers around it to never let me escape from this miserable thoughts.
What else can I do?
The damaging completed when I was sent to UiTM Seri Iskandar, Perak. Over there I learned more how to be selfish to survive and get things done more I learned how to live.
I need to get the control over my life back. But everything that used to give me the strength to move on, everything is either gone, got lost or has changed. To find another seems impossible, what I had was irreplaceable, they were too good, almost the best among all throughout my years of discovering and selecting. But they’ve changed, and so do I.
I used to wonder how adults became adults, not physically but mentally. How could they forget how it was like when they were kids and teenagers. The sense of humor, the joy of fooling around and the free thinking, freedom of imagining and never have to fear of making mistakes nor regret anything. How could they just forget those? Our source of happiness and the reason we wake up smiling.
But now I know why, I hate growing up but this is life. But the little me made a promise, even if she’s grown , became successful and being one person that others can count on and look up to, she’ll never forget how it feels like to be that wise little girl she was. And I think that’s one strong reason I can hold on to and the only reason that could keep me from losing myself.
April 11, 2011
I'm a dreamer.
I am obsessed with Tumblr! It's like my source of living. Words can't express how I feel, let alone need it. It's like, when you love something so much you want everyone to know but you'd hate it if couple strangers try to join in (especially if they're so closed and shallow minded people).
Tumblr is a place of art, beauty in every possible way. It gives you feelings of experiencing life in an honest, truthful way. It shows you the truths, opens your eyes, widens your perspectives, make you laugh, cry, smile, hope and even joy. Tumblr is a place for dreamers like me.
I'm even thinking of buying an ipad or iphone just for Tumblr.
But right now, honestly, I've been infected with shopaholic virus. I'm feeling greedy and I crave for things, ALOT of things at once. If I'm a freakin big fat billionaire, just in a blink of an eye I'd have spend a million in a day. At least half a million, maybe a quarter. That's why for now, I dream BIG.
Tumblr is a place of art, beauty in every possible way. It gives you feelings of experiencing life in an honest, truthful way. It shows you the truths, opens your eyes, widens your perspectives, make you laugh, cry, smile, hope and even joy. Tumblr is a place for dreamers like me.
I'm even thinking of buying an ipad or iphone just for Tumblr.
But right now, honestly, I've been infected with shopaholic virus. I'm feeling greedy and I crave for things, ALOT of things at once. If I'm a freakin big fat billionaire, just in a blink of an eye I'd have spend a million in a day. At least half a million, maybe a quarter. That's why for now, I dream BIG.
The wait is over
Back again, I miss writing down my thoughts, I do. But recently I just couldn't find the time or the right words to tell you how it is.
Well, my SPM result came out on 23rd of March. Just like what I tell others, my parents are grateful and happy enough with the outcome but I'm not satisfied. Few A's, B's and one C. Thank God nothing less than that. I didn't cry nor regret though. Just going-with-the-flow attitude, maybe cause I know I've already 'tawakal' to whatever God has planned for me. I did my best, perhaps just lack of struggling like the others.
Anyhow, syukur Alhamdulillah. I hope I'll be accepted in the University that I've applied and get the course that I want. More importantly, I hope God is guiding me in choosing the right path, the right course.
Insyaallah, He shall lead me to my way of achieving my goals and dreams, also in becoming seorang hamba Allah S.W.T yang taat setia kepada-Nya.
Well, my SPM result came out on 23rd of March. Just like what I tell others, my parents are grateful and happy enough with the outcome but I'm not satisfied. Few A's, B's and one C. Thank God nothing less than that. I didn't cry nor regret though. Just going-with-the-flow attitude, maybe cause I know I've already 'tawakal' to whatever God has planned for me. I did my best, perhaps just lack of struggling like the others.
Anyhow, syukur Alhamdulillah. I hope I'll be accepted in the University that I've applied and get the course that I want. More importantly, I hope God is guiding me in choosing the right path, the right course.
Insyaallah, He shall lead me to my way of achieving my goals and dreams, also in becoming seorang hamba Allah S.W.T yang taat setia kepada-Nya.
March 8, 2011
Good Things Come To Those Who Wait
Im not a producer. I don't come up with ideas, create and produce it to share with others. I do come up with random thoughts and make it real, but they're only limited to my own imagination. Why?
I don't have the confidence that others will get it. I don't have the confidence that you will understand what I've created, how my mind works. It's too complicated that only those open-minded enough could understand.
Im the listener, the observer, the audience. I see, feel, listen..and then I absorb it in me, I make myself understand it's situation. Most of all, what I love the most is when i get to see and feel the beauty in it.
Yes, I seem insignificant, behind the curtain and invisible. Sure, it'd be nice to be the creator of a great masterpiece and share it with others and be known for that. But right now, for now, I'm enjoying myself being behind the scene and watch others keep showing off their colourful works. I'm like a little kid in candyland and all the workers are showing me all the goods. Until the time comes, I'll come up with my own goods.
Beside, you have to crawl before you can walk. I'm learning and absorbing other's opinions and perspectives before I can share my own with the world.
I don't have the confidence that others will get it. I don't have the confidence that you will understand what I've created, how my mind works. It's too complicated that only those open-minded enough could understand.
Im the listener, the observer, the audience. I see, feel, listen..and then I absorb it in me, I make myself understand it's situation. Most of all, what I love the most is when i get to see and feel the beauty in it.
Yes, I seem insignificant, behind the curtain and invisible. Sure, it'd be nice to be the creator of a great masterpiece and share it with others and be known for that. But right now, for now, I'm enjoying myself being behind the scene and watch others keep showing off their colourful works. I'm like a little kid in candyland and all the workers are showing me all the goods. Until the time comes, I'll come up with my own goods.
Beside, you have to crawl before you can walk. I'm learning and absorbing other's opinions and perspectives before I can share my own with the world.
December 12, 2010
It Felt So Real.
I had a dream last night. It was all messed up. That's how almost all of my dreams are. Messed up. They mashes everything together, places, people, informations. Mostly places. There was once i dreamt school was right in front of my house. Creepy.
About that dream, there were essences of Harry Potter, Queen of England's family reunion, Katy Perry and so much more. It sounds weird, I know, that's why it's called dream and not reality.
The most realistic moment I had in that dream that I can't quite get my mind off of it was when the principal brought me somewhere to talk and he wanted to change my seat because he knows I hate seating beside this one girl who just can't get her eyes off the all the princes. He then proceeded by saying I could have one person I know to be seated next to me. I knew who I wanted that person to be but before I could say his name the principal pointed to the picture. I was so excited when I see his face on the screen. As I turned around there he was standing with his broad shoulder and an undeniably familiar smile carved beautifully on his face. I rushed to his way and fling my arms wide open only to wrap it around him tightly. We didn't say a word, just the warmth of our bodies flows between us keeping each other warm. It's the feeling of being secured in your loved one's arms, feeling of being loved. It's so beautiful. I never wanted it to end.
I remember how strong it was, how secured and safe I felt in his arms. I grip on his jacket and just pulling him in even more. It just felt so real..
I know now, that's what I've been craving for. It's been so empty until it came to me. Eventhough it was just a dream, that moment gave me enough joy from the experience of just knowing how it feels like to be loved by someone, that moment is enough to spark a new hope in my life. A new kind of smile to start a new life.
About that dream, there were essences of Harry Potter, Queen of England's family reunion, Katy Perry and so much more. It sounds weird, I know, that's why it's called dream and not reality.
The most realistic moment I had in that dream that I can't quite get my mind off of it was when the principal brought me somewhere to talk and he wanted to change my seat because he knows I hate seating beside this one girl who just can't get her eyes off the all the princes. He then proceeded by saying I could have one person I know to be seated next to me. I knew who I wanted that person to be but before I could say his name the principal pointed to the picture. I was so excited when I see his face on the screen. As I turned around there he was standing with his broad shoulder and an undeniably familiar smile carved beautifully on his face. I rushed to his way and fling my arms wide open only to wrap it around him tightly. We didn't say a word, just the warmth of our bodies flows between us keeping each other warm. It's the feeling of being secured in your loved one's arms, feeling of being loved. It's so beautiful. I never wanted it to end.
I remember how strong it was, how secured and safe I felt in his arms. I grip on his jacket and just pulling him in even more. It just felt so real..
I know now, that's what I've been craving for. It's been so empty until it came to me. Eventhough it was just a dream, that moment gave me enough joy from the experience of just knowing how it feels like to be loved by someone, that moment is enough to spark a new hope in my life. A new kind of smile to start a new life.
SPM is OVER..well, almost.
I still have one last paper this Wednesday. All 9 subjects are done, the one left is EST.
Revising back on what I had gone through this past few months..
First of all, I felt like I'd better off dead. In my case, suicide would be a sin. Sleeping however is the closest I can get to being as peaceful as being dead. Almost all the time I wished I could sleep and never wake up again. Curiosity adds to this guilty pleasure of mine when I wondered what would it be if I'm gone.
One can only wonder so much..
I tried putting back all the pieces together, I had to. What do I have left anyway?
Searching for even the tiniest piece of happiness and joy to my life that made me the way I am and helped me get through this life. I did it. I think. Almost.
So school is over. Finally. No more highschool, no more drama, no more dealing or meeting with hypocrites. Not really, I mean these stuffs don't just disappear from your life after highschool. There're many things worst out there and I can only hope I can survive them alone.
Revising back on what I had gone through this past few months..
First of all, I felt like I'd better off dead. In my case, suicide would be a sin. Sleeping however is the closest I can get to being as peaceful as being dead. Almost all the time I wished I could sleep and never wake up again. Curiosity adds to this guilty pleasure of mine when I wondered what would it be if I'm gone.
One can only wonder so much..
I tried putting back all the pieces together, I had to. What do I have left anyway?
Searching for even the tiniest piece of happiness and joy to my life that made me the way I am and helped me get through this life. I did it. I think. Almost.
So school is over. Finally. No more highschool, no more drama, no more dealing or meeting with hypocrites. Not really, I mean these stuffs don't just disappear from your life after highschool. There're many things worst out there and I can only hope I can survive them alone.
October 24, 2010
You Didn't Lie, You Just Didn't Tell The Truth
"I know the real truths behind your words that night", oh sweetie how I wish I could say this to you.
I knew that night's conversation over the phone wasn't enough for me. I knew I needed more than just words if you want me to believe you were telling the truth.
You said, you truly cared about me. I believed you.
What you don't know is the next night I talked to Mia. That moment you and her were having some problems. She told me that night, you called and texted her a few times. Saying sorry and apologizes for things you don't even know what you've done. And when she forgave you, you said that you love her over and over again.
For others reading this might sound like there's nothing wrong with that. But there is, for me.
What I don't get is, why is that you put so much effort to consult Mia for her forgiveness? But you didn't put that much effort on me when I ignored you, the same way Mia did? In fact, you did nothing to consult me. Not even a tiny effort.
It hurts, like hell.
I think the reason you didn't just tell me I'm not important to you that night was because I was crying. Or perhaps, because you can't stand having one person just not caring about you anymore. I don't know.
All I know now, is where you put me in your life. I can see it clearly where I stand now.
I don't mean much to you. Never have been that important to you. Guess what, you were once the only bestfriend I care in this world. Apparently, you have someone better than me. Well, you could've just told me the truth and I would've stop having faith in us. I could've dodged the bullet.
I knew that night's conversation over the phone wasn't enough for me. I knew I needed more than just words if you want me to believe you were telling the truth.
You said, you truly cared about me. I believed you.
What you don't know is the next night I talked to Mia. That moment you and her were having some problems. She told me that night, you called and texted her a few times. Saying sorry and apologizes for things you don't even know what you've done. And when she forgave you, you said that you love her over and over again.
For others reading this might sound like there's nothing wrong with that. But there is, for me.
What I don't get is, why is that you put so much effort to consult Mia for her forgiveness? But you didn't put that much effort on me when I ignored you, the same way Mia did? In fact, you did nothing to consult me. Not even a tiny effort.
It hurts, like hell.
I think the reason you didn't just tell me I'm not important to you that night was because I was crying. Or perhaps, because you can't stand having one person just not caring about you anymore. I don't know.
All I know now, is where you put me in your life. I can see it clearly where I stand now.
I don't mean much to you. Never have been that important to you. Guess what, you were once the only bestfriend I care in this world. Apparently, you have someone better than me. Well, you could've just told me the truth and I would've stop having faith in us. I could've dodged the bullet.
October 23, 2010
Moving On To Depressions
It happens all the time. Right when I found someone who could make me the person they care the most in the whole world, somebody else snatches them away. It hurts even more painful if the person who stole them away from me is someone I know.
Everything I do, every good deeds I do comes with only one purpose. I don't ask for anything else than appreciation. Because maybe someday one of them would decide to care about me more than they care about anyone else.
I need someone who will understand me. Someone who would give me their full attention to. Someone who would notice and smile the moment I walk in the room. Someone who will never get distracted when I talk to them. Someone who will treat me like I'm special than other girls in the room. Someone who just won't get distracted from me even when my beautiful bestfriends are under the limelight. Someone who isn't easily impressed by how talkative and friendly and lovely my beautiful bestfriends could be. Just, someone who proved they do not want anybody else than me and only me, for who I am.
Everything I do, every good deeds I do comes with only one purpose. I don't ask for anything else than appreciation. Because maybe someday one of them would decide to care about me more than they care about anyone else.
I need someone who will understand me. Someone who would give me their full attention to. Someone who would notice and smile the moment I walk in the room. Someone who will never get distracted when I talk to them. Someone who will treat me like I'm special than other girls in the room. Someone who just won't get distracted from me even when my beautiful bestfriends are under the limelight. Someone who isn't easily impressed by how talkative and friendly and lovely my beautiful bestfriends could be. Just, someone who proved they do not want anybody else than me and only me, for who I am.
Empty
This year is the toughest for me. What's worst is how empty it feels in my chest.
I thought I needed someone who could make me feel so special to them. Someone who I haven't met yet.
I need somebody to love me and only me.
Recently, I found a black kitten in my school. At the same time, Buzz the turtle, my family's pet died. My dad took it the hardest. It has been part of the family for about14 years. I had the urge to bring the kitten home and I did. I figured it might be my new bestfriend. The one I could talk to and get comfort. It's like my new baby.
But my dad always keep interrupting when I try to bond with it. I figured since I brought it home then it's technically mine. I named him Mute cause he doesn't meow much. But my dad named him Tam. I disagreed, but we both didn't want to give up the names. I hated that my dad keeps trying to win his love more than me.
I know what you're thinking, love. It's common jealousy. I don't deny that's true. But I know I deserved Mute's love more than him because I took him. I deserved more love because, I don't get much from anyone. It's funny, I figured that the reason I brought him home was because I thought maybe this little animal will give the love I needed when I don't get much from human beings. But instead, my dad overshadowed me and I lost another host to love.
It gives me another reason to leave everything and get my own life. I need to go somewhere else.
I thought I needed someone who could make me feel so special to them. Someone who I haven't met yet.
I need somebody to love me and only me.
Recently, I found a black kitten in my school. At the same time, Buzz the turtle, my family's pet died. My dad took it the hardest. It has been part of the family for about14 years. I had the urge to bring the kitten home and I did. I figured it might be my new bestfriend. The one I could talk to and get comfort. It's like my new baby.
But my dad always keep interrupting when I try to bond with it. I figured since I brought it home then it's technically mine. I named him Mute cause he doesn't meow much. But my dad named him Tam. I disagreed, but we both didn't want to give up the names. I hated that my dad keeps trying to win his love more than me.
I know what you're thinking, love. It's common jealousy. I don't deny that's true. But I know I deserved Mute's love more than him because I took him. I deserved more love because, I don't get much from anyone. It's funny, I figured that the reason I brought him home was because I thought maybe this little animal will give the love I needed when I don't get much from human beings. But instead, my dad overshadowed me and I lost another host to love.
It gives me another reason to leave everything and get my own life. I need to go somewhere else.
I Shouldn't Exist.
Hi, love. I'm back, for now.
These past few months has been amazingly tiring for me. There's a split seconds that I feel like I have all the happiness I deserved. Then one moment I feel like I should suffocate to death.
What has got into me?
I have everything but at the same time I have nothing.
Everything I have are a united family, friends who accept me for who I am, not so bad grades in school, great home, slight freedom to do anything I want and other leverages I can't recall.
These "everything" means nothing anymore ever since I doubt where I stand on this Earth.
For everytime, everyday, whenever I'm with anyone I will question myself "Do I mean anything to you?"
I questioned my purpose of being there for them. I wonder if I am in the same position in their life like how they are in mine.
I questioned if I'm ever needed in their life. If they will ever remember me. If I'm ever in their first thought. If I'm ever someone's priority in their life.
Somehow, even in my family's eyes I couldn't see that my existence mean anything. Let alone in my friends eyes. Despite getting several attentions or love, I still doubt my place in everyone's heart.
It's not just because of how I'm treated, but how I treat couple of people that sometimes make me have a tendency to just cast everyone out of my life. If it means I won't get hurt and I won't hurt anyone then, maybe being independent and alone is better.
These past few months has been amazingly tiring for me. There's a split seconds that I feel like I have all the happiness I deserved. Then one moment I feel like I should suffocate to death.
What has got into me?
I have everything but at the same time I have nothing.
Everything I have are a united family, friends who accept me for who I am, not so bad grades in school, great home, slight freedom to do anything I want and other leverages I can't recall.
These "everything" means nothing anymore ever since I doubt where I stand on this Earth.
For everytime, everyday, whenever I'm with anyone I will question myself "Do I mean anything to you?"
I questioned my purpose of being there for them. I wonder if I am in the same position in their life like how they are in mine.
I questioned if I'm ever needed in their life. If they will ever remember me. If I'm ever in their first thought. If I'm ever someone's priority in their life.
Somehow, even in my family's eyes I couldn't see that my existence mean anything. Let alone in my friends eyes. Despite getting several attentions or love, I still doubt my place in everyone's heart.
It's not just because of how I'm treated, but how I treat couple of people that sometimes make me have a tendency to just cast everyone out of my life. If it means I won't get hurt and I won't hurt anyone then, maybe being independent and alone is better.
August 13, 2010
All That I Asked
“She wants to know if I love her, that’s all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet.”
— Jonathan Safran Foer
— Jonathan Safran Foer
July 28, 2010
Written In The Dark
Hey, It's me, the girl you used to know, the bestfriend you had faith on, the reliable one who had always been there for you. The girl named Hani who cherished you as her bestie.
This girl, me, I miss you.
I know that you might never going to read this. That's okay because even if you do, its not going to change anything.
I've been so conceited and selfish ever since I lost my trust on everyone. I just can't let myself feel that weak again. I got crushed so bad, you don't know how much that changed me. What's more painful was you don't even notice the differences in me.
I'm not writing this to tell you what we did wrong. I just want to tell you how I truly feel right now. Cause the girl who's been responding to you all this time -since we made peace- is an autopilot. It's a mask, better yet an act I've been struggling to master. But looks like I'm doing it pretty well.
Right now, I'm being humble as I can and honest in my every word. But when we see each other out there, in school, I won't be this way, I'll act as if I never mentioned this.
Here goes, I miss being there for you anytime you need me. I miss to be the first to know your latest news. I miss having a twin sister from another father. I miss laughing with you, I miss giving advices when you're clueless, I miss saying 'jinx' everytime we say the same word at the same time. Most of all, I miss having you in my life.
Sometimes I wish I never had felt that pain. I wish we never had hurt each other. I wish we could forget about it and erase the scars.
When you confessed about how hard it was for you when I left. You said you cried and it stumped you when I said I was the one who hurt you the most while this whole time I've been protecting you from getting hurt. What an irony..
At that moment we could've put those pieces back together. Everything could've been back to normal. But it was too late you see, all I wanted from you was to tell me that you need me in your life. But by the time you gave that to me was when you're already sober and because I know you so well, my selfish alter ego started to strike. In my head at that very moment was thinking if I tell you that what you just told me was exactly what I wanted to hear, you'd throw it back at my face and put the blame on me.
Because you look like you've gotten over me and if I show a little weakness in me, you'd manipulate it to make it look like its all my fault for leaving you when you already know I left because I was hurt by how I was treated. But you refused to take note of that part and continue to try putting me on the guilty chair.
That's what you always do to everyone and why shouldn't I take note of that outcome before I decide to confess that you've nailed the golden answer.
The reason I went all out on the argument was because I can't give you that forgiveness until you say those words. A proof that I am wanted, needed and not just another pair of good jeans. I needed to know that before I can forgive you because I know that if I forgive you without getting an answer, you would act as if it never happened. As if all those heartache I told you meant nothing to you and all you do is to treat me just as same as before, another pair of your good jeans.
I didn't leave you at first. I just walked away, letting go of your hands slowly..waiting you to stop me. But you didn't. Instead of stopping, I keep on walking and finally left you out of my sight..
These words, emotions, tears and heartache stays here. I don't intend it to go any further or goes out of this region. What you read here, let it stay in here.
This girl, me, I miss you.
I know that you might never going to read this. That's okay because even if you do, its not going to change anything.
I've been so conceited and selfish ever since I lost my trust on everyone. I just can't let myself feel that weak again. I got crushed so bad, you don't know how much that changed me. What's more painful was you don't even notice the differences in me.
I'm not writing this to tell you what we did wrong. I just want to tell you how I truly feel right now. Cause the girl who's been responding to you all this time -since we made peace- is an autopilot. It's a mask, better yet an act I've been struggling to master. But looks like I'm doing it pretty well.
Right now, I'm being humble as I can and honest in my every word. But when we see each other out there, in school, I won't be this way, I'll act as if I never mentioned this.
Here goes, I miss being there for you anytime you need me. I miss to be the first to know your latest news. I miss having a twin sister from another father. I miss laughing with you, I miss giving advices when you're clueless, I miss saying 'jinx' everytime we say the same word at the same time. Most of all, I miss having you in my life.
Sometimes I wish I never had felt that pain. I wish we never had hurt each other. I wish we could forget about it and erase the scars.
When you confessed about how hard it was for you when I left. You said you cried and it stumped you when I said I was the one who hurt you the most while this whole time I've been protecting you from getting hurt. What an irony..
At that moment we could've put those pieces back together. Everything could've been back to normal. But it was too late you see, all I wanted from you was to tell me that you need me in your life. But by the time you gave that to me was when you're already sober and because I know you so well, my selfish alter ego started to strike. In my head at that very moment was thinking if I tell you that what you just told me was exactly what I wanted to hear, you'd throw it back at my face and put the blame on me.
Because you look like you've gotten over me and if I show a little weakness in me, you'd manipulate it to make it look like its all my fault for leaving you when you already know I left because I was hurt by how I was treated. But you refused to take note of that part and continue to try putting me on the guilty chair.
That's what you always do to everyone and why shouldn't I take note of that outcome before I decide to confess that you've nailed the golden answer.
The reason I went all out on the argument was because I can't give you that forgiveness until you say those words. A proof that I am wanted, needed and not just another pair of good jeans. I needed to know that before I can forgive you because I know that if I forgive you without getting an answer, you would act as if it never happened. As if all those heartache I told you meant nothing to you and all you do is to treat me just as same as before, another pair of your good jeans.
I didn't leave you at first. I just walked away, letting go of your hands slowly..waiting you to stop me. But you didn't. Instead of stopping, I keep on walking and finally left you out of my sight..
These words, emotions, tears and heartache stays here. I don't intend it to go any further or goes out of this region. What you read here, let it stay in here.
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