Empty

This year is the toughest for me. What's worst is how empty it feels in my chest.
I thought I needed someone who could make me feel so special to them. Someone who I haven't met yet.
I need somebody to love me and only me.


Recently, I found a black kitten in my school. At the same time, Buzz the turtle, my family's pet died. My dad took it the hardest. It has been part of the family for  about14 years. I had the urge to bring the kitten home and I did. I figured it might be my new bestfriend. The one I could talk to and get comfort. It's like my new baby.
But my dad always keep interrupting when I try to bond with it. I figured since I brought it home then it's technically mine. I named him Mute cause he doesn't meow much. But my dad named him Tam. I disagreed, but we both didn't want to give up the names. I hated that my dad keeps trying to win his love more than me.


I know what you're thinking, love. It's common jealousy. I don't deny that's true. But I know I deserved Mute's love more than him because I took him. I deserved more love because, I don't get much from anyone. It's funny, I figured that the reason I brought him home was because I thought maybe this little animal will give the love I needed when I don't get much from human beings. But instead, my dad overshadowed me and I lost another host to love.


It gives me another reason to leave everything and get my own life. I need to go somewhere else.

I Shouldn't Exist.

Hi, love. I'm back, for now.

These past few months has been amazingly tiring for me. There's a split seconds that I feel like I have all the happiness I deserved. Then one moment I feel like I should suffocate to death.
What has got into me?

I have everything but at the same time I have nothing.
Everything I have are a united family, friends who accept me for who I am, not so bad grades in school, great home,  slight freedom to do anything I want and other leverages I can't recall.
These "everything" means nothing anymore ever since I doubt where I stand on this Earth.
For everytime, everyday, whenever I'm with anyone I will question myself "Do I mean anything to you?"
I questioned my purpose of being there for them. I wonder if I am in the same position in their life like how they are in mine.
I questioned if I'm ever needed in their life. If  they will ever remember me. If I'm ever in their first thought. If I'm ever someone's priority in their life.

Somehow, even in my family's eyes I couldn't see that my existence mean anything. Let alone in my friends eyes. Despite getting several attentions or love, I still doubt my place in everyone's heart.

It's not just because of how I'm treated, but how I treat couple of people that sometimes make me have a tendency to just cast everyone out of my life. If it means I won't get hurt and I won't hurt anyone then, maybe being independent and alone is better.

All That I Asked

“She wants to know if I love her, that’s all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet.”


— Jonathan Safran Foer