July 3, 2011

Time is tearing me apart piece by piece

I’m not a fan of changes. I could deal with it for some cases but when the hard one comes, a little bit of my youth is destroyed. Ever since the death of my late Grandfather, it traumatizes me to think of not being able to say my goodbyes to those who matters in my life before it’s too late, just like how I didn’t get chance to say goodbye to my grandfather.. I wanted to tell him how much I love him, how I wish I could’ve learn more from him while he was alive. I wanted to be there holding his hands, telling him it’ll be alright before the surgery and after surgery, I’d whisper to his ear that it’s all over and that he could open his eyes..
The least I ask is a chance to see him while he’s still breathing.

My grandma’s going ‘Umrah’ again this July. I wanted to say I love her, I do, but why wouldn’t it come out. That wonders me..
I’m so hurt, so much had happened and sometimes when it hurts too bad there’s a part of me shuts off. The part that helps me to convey my joyful, cheerful side. But no more, I’m no longer functioning the way I used to. Sadly, I couldn’t find the reasons to regain myself and beat this gloomy version of myself. I’m too damaged and my cures are all scattered, everything fell apart. I have this scars and wounds that wouldn’t heal, the little demons keep lingers around it to never let me escape from this miserable thoughts.

What else can I do?
The damaging completed when I was sent to UiTM Seri Iskandar, Perak. Over there I learned more how to be selfish to survive and get things done more I learned how to live.
I need to get the control over my life back. But everything that used to give me the strength to move on, everything is either gone, got lost or has changed. To find another seems impossible, what I had was irreplaceable, they were too good, almost the best among all throughout my years of discovering and selecting. But they’ve changed, and so do I.

I used to wonder how adults became adults, not physically but mentally. How could they forget how it was like when they were kids and teenagers. The sense of humor, the joy of fooling around and the free thinking, freedom of imagining and never have to fear of making mistakes nor regret anything.  How could they just forget those? Our source of happiness and the reason we wake up smiling.
But now I know why, I hate growing up but this is life. But the little me made a promise, even if she’s grown , became successful and being one person that others can count on and look up to, she’ll never forget how it feels like to be that wise little girl she was. And I think that’s one strong reason I can hold on to and the only reason that could keep me from losing myself.