October 24, 2010

You Didn't Lie, You Just Didn't Tell The Truth

"I know the real truths behind your words that night", oh sweetie how I wish I could say this to you.
I knew that night's conversation over the phone wasn't enough for me. I knew I needed more than just words if you want me to believe you were telling the truth.

You said, you truly cared about me. I believed you.
What you don't know is the next night I talked to Mia. That moment you and her were having some problems. She told me that night, you called and texted her a few times. Saying sorry and apologizes for things you don't even know what you've done. And when she forgave you, you said that you love her over and over again.

For others reading this might sound like there's nothing wrong with that. But there is, for me.

What I don't get is, why is that you put so much effort to consult Mia for her forgiveness? But you didn't put that much effort on me when I ignored you, the same way Mia did? In fact, you did nothing to consult me. Not even a tiny effort.

It hurts, like hell.
I think the reason you didn't just tell me I'm not important to you that night was because I was crying. Or perhaps, because you can't stand having one person just not caring about you anymore. I don't know.
All I know now, is where you put me in your life. I can see it clearly where I stand now.
I don't mean much to you. Never have been that important to you. Guess what, you were once the only bestfriend I care in this world. Apparently, you have someone better than me. Well, you could've just told me the truth and I would've stop having faith in us. I could've dodged the bullet.

October 23, 2010

Moving On To Depressions

It happens all the time. Right when I found someone who could make me the person they care the most in the whole world, somebody else snatches them away. It hurts even more painful if the person who stole them away from me is someone I know.

Everything I do, every good deeds I do comes with only one purpose. I don't ask for anything else than appreciation. Because maybe someday one of them would decide to care about me more than they care about anyone else.

I need someone who will understand me. Someone who would give me their full attention to. Someone who would notice and smile the moment I walk in the room. Someone who will never get distracted when I talk to them. Someone who will treat me like I'm special than other girls in the room. Someone who just won't get distracted from me even when my beautiful bestfriends are under the limelight. Someone who isn't easily impressed by how talkative and friendly and lovely my beautiful bestfriends could be. Just, someone who proved they do not want anybody else than me and only me, for who I am.


This year is the toughest for me. What's worst is how empty it feels in my chest.
I thought I needed someone who could make me feel so special to them. Someone who I haven't met yet.
I need somebody to love me and only me.

Recently, I found a black kitten in my school. At the same time, Buzz the turtle, my family's pet died. My dad took it the hardest. It has been part of the family for  about14 years. I had the urge to bring the kitten home and I did. I figured it might be my new bestfriend. The one I could talk to and get comfort. It's like my new baby.
But my dad always keep interrupting when I try to bond with it. I figured since I brought it home then it's technically mine. I named him Mute cause he doesn't meow much. But my dad named him Tam. I disagreed, but we both didn't want to give up the names. I hated that my dad keeps trying to win his love more than me.

I know what you're thinking, love. It's common jealousy. I don't deny that's true. But I know I deserved Mute's love more than him because I took him. I deserved more love because, I don't get much from anyone. It's funny, I figured that the reason I brought him home was because I thought maybe this little animal will give the love I needed when I don't get much from human beings. But instead, my dad overshadowed me and I lost another host to love.

It gives me another reason to leave everything and get my own life. I need to go somewhere else.

I Shouldn't Exist.

Hi, love. I'm back, for now.

These past few months has been amazingly tiring for me. There's a split seconds that I feel like I have all the happiness I deserved. Then one moment I feel like I should suffocate to death.
What has got into me?

I have everything but at the same time I have nothing.
Everything I have are a united family, friends who accept me for who I am, not so bad grades in school, great home,  slight freedom to do anything I want and other leverages I can't recall.
These "everything" means nothing anymore ever since I doubt where I stand on this Earth.
For everytime, everyday, whenever I'm with anyone I will question myself "Do I mean anything to you?"
I questioned my purpose of being there for them. I wonder if I am in the same position in their life like how they are in mine.
I questioned if I'm ever needed in their life. If  they will ever remember me. If I'm ever in their first thought. If I'm ever someone's priority in their life.

Somehow, even in my family's eyes I couldn't see that my existence mean anything. Let alone in my friends eyes. Despite getting several attentions or love, I still doubt my place in everyone's heart.

It's not just because of how I'm treated, but how I treat couple of people that sometimes make me have a tendency to just cast everyone out of my life. If it means I won't get hurt and I won't hurt anyone then, maybe being independent and alone is better.