October 23, 2010

I Shouldn't Exist.

Hi, love. I'm back, for now.

These past few months has been amazingly tiring for me. There's a split seconds that I feel like I have all the happiness I deserved. Then one moment I feel like I should suffocate to death.
What has got into me?

I have everything but at the same time I have nothing.
Everything I have are a united family, friends who accept me for who I am, not so bad grades in school, great home,  slight freedom to do anything I want and other leverages I can't recall.
These "everything" means nothing anymore ever since I doubt where I stand on this Earth.
For everytime, everyday, whenever I'm with anyone I will question myself "Do I mean anything to you?"
I questioned my purpose of being there for them. I wonder if I am in the same position in their life like how they are in mine.
I questioned if I'm ever needed in their life. If  they will ever remember me. If I'm ever in their first thought. If I'm ever someone's priority in their life.

Somehow, even in my family's eyes I couldn't see that my existence mean anything. Let alone in my friends eyes. Despite getting several attentions or love, I still doubt my place in everyone's heart.

It's not just because of how I'm treated, but how I treat couple of people that sometimes make me have a tendency to just cast everyone out of my life. If it means I won't get hurt and I won't hurt anyone then, maybe being independent and alone is better.