I have some things i wanted to say, but i won't say it cause i saw in you how unimportant it is to save this broken friendship, i saw that in every way you move. That's when i realized how unimportant you're supposed to be to me.
Conclusion, I'm not going to write those words i've thought awhile ago because you're just not worth it.
And, i vowed to myself, i will not be the one to show the white flag first. Because i know you so.so.so very well, if i be the one who goes and say how unsated i feel, you'd put all the blame on me and make me look like a fool. Your own words will definitely be like this, "You were the one who started it. You wanted out and not care about me anymore. Now, you're making a fuss about me not caring about us?".
Cyeah, i can imagine it in 3D. You care, i know you do cause i see that in your eyes everytime we meet. But you just can't show it and tell me yourself because of your ego. You never praise anyone but you love being praised. You never give attention to anyone else but you crave for theirs. You love to be cared but honestly, you don't care about anyone.
Alright, yes. I started it because you don't treat me like i treat you. I started it because i thought it's the only way I could make you see how i feel. I started it because i wanted to see how much i mean to you. But hey! i forgot how cold and selfish you are to even show how you really feel. I've said this before, i guess for you 'us' just not worth to fight for.
If that so, then you're not worth my time anymore.
P.S: I really want to say goodbye but i'm gonna have to see your face every morning in assembly, so, whatever.
April 25, 2010
I know i'll love this movie.
Mary-Kate: You will stay like this forever.
Kyle: Like what?
Mary-Kate: As aggressively unattractive outside as you are inside.
Lindy: Why am i here?
Kyle: Because you need to be protected.
Woman: She would like you if you're being yourself.
Kyle: What? This self or the jerk i was.
Woman: The man i know you to be.
Kyle: Pretty gruesome huh.
Lindy: I've seen worst.
April 20, 2010
I got this 'thought' of an entry about 5 minutes ago. Replaying the moment when my private tutor said something about my pictures when he was ransacking my new Blackberry Storm. I was surprised how much he was surprised to find out what i can do with a short time of photoshoot and an effortless of editing to my photos. Brought him to suggest me a few careers he thought i'd consider to pursue. But when he asked me this, it kept me thinking.
"Why do you like it? Why is it your hobby?"
About 10 minutes ago before i was staring at this used-to-be-empty screen, it ringed my complex mind of why i enjoy taking photos, surfing for more in random sites just to satisfy branches and branches of curiosity in finding out beauties that a single period of life couldn't offer. And possibly along with the reason why i couldn't or just not comfortable to have anyone even my parents to see me in the process of making it.
Straightforwardly, it makes me feel beautiful. I'm not being cocky here, just stay and keep reading and i hope you'll understand.
Photoshoot captures alot of pictures from every possible angles that has the potential to provide the best natural lighting. It's not about capturing sexiness, hotness or fierce. Do take note that i am talking about my photoshoot and not some high fashion photoshoot. That, ofcourse is completely different.
I focus more about decency. What seems like good enough to me is, good enough. After editing and retouching a few minor flaws that are forgiveable to cast out of the picture, i may or may not display it to the public.
It's a pleasure really when people ask "Is this you? You look different."
That's what motivates me to do more. Photography is a beautiful thing. It doesn't change anything it potrays in what was captured eventhough the people in it have changed. And what i love about it, why i love to take pictures and edit it is because,
maybe we'll see the beauty that cannot be seen with our naked eyes.
maybe it proves that the beauty i see is actually real and not just my imagination.
maybe it proves that you are beautiful eventhough nobody ever tells you that.
maybe it shows the beautiful side of you, the only side that no one ever cares enough to see.
I think it's all of the above. But most of all, maybe a single click of a button that captures such stunning photo of yourself proves that you don't need anyone to tell you that you're beautiful when you could just see it for yourself in a mere piece of material.
This is long enough and normally i'd stop here, but i have to include the reason why i need my privacy when i'm photoshooting and retouching. I've thought about it especially when my tutor asked me why i couldn't let my parents know about my 'hobby', well i could and my mom already knows but not in a way of knowing how much it means to me. I don't really know why but i guess maybe i feel insecure when having somebody watching my every action. It's feels like scared of what they think of my picture, scared if they'll criticize my work and that will definitely sweep off my mood to do my best, scared that they'll tell me how bad i am cause i know i'm not a professional and as if i'm not good enough to do all that. Maybe there was a traumatic time in my past that makes me feel the need for it to be privately done.
P.S: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder means that different people will find different things beautiful and that the differences of opinion don't matter greatly.