July 28, 2010

Written In The Dark

Hey, It's me, the girl you used to know, the bestfriend you had faith on, the reliable one who had always been there for you. The girl named Hani who cherished you as her bestie.

This girl, me, I miss you.

I know that you might never going to read this. That's okay because even if you do, its not going to change anything.

I've been so conceited and selfish ever since I lost my trust on everyone. I just can't let myself feel that weak again. I got crushed so bad, you don't know how much that changed me. What's more painful was you don't even notice the differences in me.

I'm not writing this to tell you what we did wrong. I just want to tell you how I truly feel right now. Cause the girl who's been responding to you all this time -since we made peace- is an autopilot. It's a mask, better yet an act I've been struggling to master. But looks like I'm doing it pretty well.

Right now, I'm being humble as I can and honest in my every word. But when we see each other out there, in school, I won't be this way, I'll act as if I never mentioned this.

Here goes, I miss being there for you anytime you need me. I miss to be the first to know your latest news. I miss having a twin sister from another father. I miss laughing with you, I miss giving advices when you're clueless, I miss saying 'jinx' everytime we say the same word at the same time. Most of all, I miss having you in my life.

Sometimes I wish I never had felt that pain. I wish we never had hurt each other. I wish we could forget about it and erase the scars.

When you confessed about how hard it was for you when I left. You said you cried and it stumped you when I said I was the one who hurt you the most while this whole time I've been protecting you from getting hurt. What an irony..

At that moment we could've put those pieces back together. Everything could've been back to normal. But it was too late you see, all I wanted from you was to tell me that you need me in your life. But by the time you gave that to me was when you're already sober and because I know you so well, my selfish alter ego started to strike. In my head at that very moment was thinking if I tell you that what you just told me was exactly what I wanted to hear, you'd throw it back at my face and put the blame on me.

Because you look like you've gotten over me and if I show a little weakness in me, you'd manipulate it to make it look like its all my fault for leaving you when you already know I left because I was hurt by how I was treated. But you refused to take note of that part and continue to try putting me on the guilty chair.

That's what you always do to everyone and why shouldn't I take note of that outcome before I decide to confess that you've nailed the golden answer.

The reason I went all out on the argument was because I can't give you that forgiveness until you say those words. A proof that I am wanted, needed and not just another pair of good jeans. I needed to know that before I can forgive you because I know that if I forgive you without getting an answer, you would act as if it never happened. As if all those heartache I told you meant nothing to you and all you do is to treat me just as same as before, another pair of your good jeans.

I didn't leave you at first. I just walked away, letting go of your hands slowly..waiting you to stop me. But you didn't. Instead of stopping, I keep on walking and finally left you out of my sight..

These words, emotions, tears and heartache stays here. I don't intend it to go any further or goes out of this region. What you read here, let it stay in here.