Existence, do I matter?

Ever feel as if your existence is not memorable at all? It's like even if you disappear, no one and nothing will be affected.

It's like, hearing the laughter of your family downstairs while you're alone in your room. Thinking, "Do they even notice I'm not with them? Do they even care?" I feel that my family and friends wouldn't even be affected to my disappearance. Their lives will go just as it usually does everyday and not a single fuck was given. I feel like even without me existing, my family would've been completed. I feel like my existence doesn't mean anything.
I was never anyone's first choice to be in their first thought, nor for the first to accept their love. I was always the second thought. So, does it matter if I was here?
Maybe, perhaps Allah knows best for why he gave me this opportunity. And maybe, just maybe, He is the only one who truly loves me. But oh, that thought of Him being the only one who loves me in this universe makes me want to be with him even closer and I mean, closer with him in the after death. Because I can't bear this pain anymore. I can't stay in this world, searching for true pure honest love when I know I only get it from Allah SWT. I don't belong here.

I loathe reality

When I look back into my life, it's not that I dont want to see

things exactly the way they happened. it's just that i prefer to

remember them in an artistic way. and truthfully the lie of it all

is much more honest, because I invented it. Clinical psychology

tells us arguably that trauma is the ultimate killer. Memories are not

recycled like atoms and particles in quantum physics, they can be

lost forever. It's not that I've been dishonest, it's just that I loathe reality.

- Lady Gaga 'Marry The Night'

Poverty is a cycle...but it can be broken.

Poverty is a cycle...but it can be broken.: The cycle of poverty is an issue that begins when a child is born into an extremely low income family and enters an environment that lacks stimulation. With lack of education, children grow up with low self-image due to improper attention from caring role-models.Delinquency, loitering, gangsterism and abuse are highly common amongst illiterate teenagers; further lowering their chances of obtaining a secure and steady job. The issue snowballs when these teenagers get involved in pre-marital sex and are forced to start families without a stable income. The poverty cycle will then be passed on to the next generation.How does the cycle end?Education.Dignity for Children promotes the importance of education and funds one-stop community-learning centres to help children between the age of 2-17 yrs old. All Dignity Education Programmes are based on the national curriculum as prescribed by the MOE, but incorporate Montesorri principles and philosophies in execution. This means that proper training is carried out for volunteers who wish to become teachers.
With over 14,000 children in Malaysia who do not have access to school, teachers are in great demand in foundations such as Dignity. The life-changing work of Dignity for Children Foundation is only made possible through the continued help and support of people like you! Get involved and become a seed of change in a child’s life today.

Light up a little life!

Light up a little life!: Yayasan Sunbeams Home is a place that sheds light to underprivileged children in Malaysia. Having homed the displaced, misplaced, abused and neglected children of single parents since 1995, Sunbeams is the beacon of hope for children that long for a bright future.With several homes, daycare centres, learning centres and a feeding ministry set up within Malaysia, Sunbeams meets the daily needs of children at a feat of RM 80,000 per month. Depending on the support of people like YOU, Sunbeams hopes to provide more and reach more underprivileged children in Malaysia through their wishes to expand. With a current RM 1.5 million renovation plan that caters to 100 children, your monetary donation, large or small will be greatly appreciated. If you are interested in helping out in other ways, do consider donating items, offering your time, service, or even spread the word of the amazing work in place. Every little bit helps.

I'm in loooove. Nothing big, really.

I'll save the time by answering the big question. Who?
It's Kevin Wu also known as Kevjumba. He's Youtube famous. I'm addicted to his videos. And for obvious reason (if you're my friend you'd know this), I'm a sucker for asian/korean/chinese face. Not the nerdy "Apek" kind of chinese face, God, NO. The cute nerdy kind, you know. I just love that adorable squinty eyes. The kind that appears innocent, naive and nerdy but acts like a skaterboy or just casually cool, plus their cool open-minded common sense and their sense of humor. It's just. It gets me all the time, I can't help it okay. *sigh


So anyway, what I love about him based on these past few days of drooling *cough* adoring his videos, there are plenty qualities of him that caught my attention.
He's not an A-list celebrity, not a professional dancer or entertainer, not a genius, not a billionaire, he doesn't have that perfect skin nor a perfect face structure, not a full-time hottie like Zac Efron. BUT..
He started off as this chinese guy making these videos in his room, looking so cute talking like he doesn't even care what anyone would respond.
He can dance, not that great but he can dance or shuffle.
He's pretty smart, just a hunch. He keeps mentioning it's essential to get good grades when you're asian.
He's a family guy. What can I say, girls love guys who love his family. He includes his dad Michael Wu or Papa Jumba in some of his videos. They're originally just funny together.
He confessed he is momma's boy. So cute.
He has grown now, 21 year old (3 years older), taller, tougher, hair's longer..basically, he's turning into a hottie. 
He have another channel on Youtube for charity called JumbaFund. I think he have such a big heart to give back.
He knows his limit, he doesn't curse too much, he doesn't like incoherent songs. But I doubt he doesn't listen to them.


He's this and that. He's isn't perfect, nor is he has everything checks on my list of "My Man". But I just love him for who he is, his flaws and strongsuits, they're Kevin and I love everything that I know about him at this moment.

I can continue with other things from why I'm feeling hurt from this crushing on someone who doesn't even know I exist, to my random emotional seasons or something totally random. But I'll stop here, so, goodnight.


Goodnight Kevin Wu :)

Time is tearing me apart piece by piece

I’m not a fan of changes. I could deal with it for some cases but when the hard one comes, a little bit of my youth is destroyed. Ever since the death of my late Grandfather, it traumatizes me to think of not being able to say my goodbyes to those who matters in my life before it’s too late, just like how I didn’t get chance to say goodbye to my grandfather.. I wanted to tell him how much I love him, how I wish I could’ve learn more from him while he was alive. I wanted to be there holding his hands, telling him it’ll be alright before the surgery and after surgery, I’d whisper to his ear that it’s all over and that he could open his eyes..

The least I ask is a chance to see him while he’s still breathing.

My grandma’s going ‘Umrah’ again this July. I wanted to say I love her, I do, but why wouldn’t it come out. That wonders me..

I’m so hurt, so much had happened and sometimes when it hurts too bad there’s a part of me shuts off. The part that helps me to convey my joyful, cheerful side. But no more, I’m no longer functioning the way I used to. Sadly, I couldn’t find the reasons to regain myself and beat this gloomy version of myself. I’m too damaged and my cures are all scattered, everything fell apart. I have this scars and wounds that wouldn’t heal, the little demons keep lingers around it to never let me escape from this miserable thoughts.

What else can I do?

The damaging completed when I was sent to UiTM Seri Iskandar, Perak. Over there I learned more how to be selfish to survive and get things done more I learned how to live.

I need to get the control over my life back. But everything that used to give me the strength to move on, everything is either gone, got lost or has changed. To find another seems impossible, what I had was irreplaceable, they were too good, almost the best among all throughout my years of discovering and selecting. But they’ve changed, and so do I.

I used to wonder how adults became adults, not physically but mentally. How could they forget how it was like when they were kids and teenagers. The sense of humor, the joy of fooling around and the free thinking, freedom of imagining and never have to fear of making mistakes nor regret anything.  How could they just forget those? Our source of happiness and the reason we wake up smiling.

But now I know why, I hate growing up but this is life. But the little me made a promise, even if she’s grown , became successful and being one person that others can count on and look up to, she’ll never forget how it feels like to be that wise little girl she was. And I think that’s one strong reason I can hold on to and the only reason that could keep me from losing myself. 

I'm a dreamer.

I am obsessed with Tumblr! It's like my source of living. Words can't express how I feel, let alone need it. It's like, when you love something so much you want everyone to know but you'd hate it if couple strangers try to join in (especially if they're so closed and shallow minded people).


Tumblr is a place of art, beauty in every possible way. It gives you feelings of experiencing life in an honest, truthful way. It shows you the truths, opens your eyes, widens your perspectives, make you laugh, cry, smile, hope and even joy. Tumblr is a place for dreamers like me.


I'm even thinking of buying an ipad or iphone just for Tumblr.
But right now, honestly, I've been infected with shopaholic virus. I'm feeling greedy and I crave for things, ALOT of things at once. If I'm a freakin big fat billionaire, just in a blink of an eye I'd have spend a million in a day. At least half a million, maybe a quarter. That's why for now, I dream BIG.

The wait is over

Back again, I miss writing down my thoughts, I do. But recently I just couldn't find the time or the right words to tell you how it is.

Well, my SPM result came out on 23rd of March. Just like what I tell others, my parents are grateful and happy enough with the outcome but I'm not satisfied. Few A's, B's and one C. Thank God nothing less than that. I didn't cry nor regret though. Just going-with-the-flow attitude, maybe cause I know I've already 'tawakal' to whatever God has planned for me. I did my best, perhaps just lack of struggling like the others.
Anyhow, syukur Alhamdulillah. I hope I'll be accepted in the University that I've applied and get the course that I want. More importantly, I hope God is guiding me in choosing the right path, the right course.

Insyaallah, He shall lead me to my way of achieving my goals and dreams, also in becoming seorang hamba Allah S.W.T yang taat setia kepada-Nya.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

Im not a producer. I don't come up with ideas, create and produce it to share with others. I do come up with random thoughts and make it real, but they're only limited to my own imagination. Why?

I don't have the confidence that others will get it. I don't have the confidence that you will understand what I've created, how my mind works. It's too complicated that only those open-minded enough could understand.

Im the listener, the observer, the audience. I see, feel, listen..and then I absorb it in me, I make myself understand it's situation. Most of all, what I love the most is when i get to see and feel the beauty in it.

Yes, I seem insignificant, behind the curtain and invisible. Sure, it'd be nice to be the creator of a great masterpiece and share it with others and be known for that. But right now, for now, I'm enjoying myself being behind the scene and watch others keep showing off their colourful works. I'm like a little kid in candyland and all the workers are showing me all the goods. Until the time comes, I'll come up with my own goods.

Beside, you have to crawl before you can walk. I'm learning and absorbing other's opinions and perspectives before I can share my own with the world.