November 28, 2011

Existence, do I matter?

Ever feel as if your existence is not memorable at all? It's like even if you disappear, no one and nothing will be affected.

It's like, hearing the laughter of your family downstairs while you're alone in your room. Thinking, "Do they even notice I'm not with them? Do they even care?" I feel that my family and friends wouldn't even be affected to my disappearance. Their lives will go just as it usually does everyday and not a single fuck was given. I feel like even without me existing, my family would've been completed. I feel like my existence doesn't mean anything.
I was never anyone's first choice to be in their first thought, nor for the first to accept their love. I was always the second thought. So, does it matter if I was here?
Maybe, perhaps Allah knows best for why he gave me this opportunity. And maybe, just maybe, He is the only one who truly loves me. But oh, that thought of Him being the only one who loves me in this universe makes me want to be with him even closer and I mean, closer with him in the after death. Because I can't bear this pain anymore. I can't stay in this world, searching for true pure honest love when I know I only get it from Allah SWT. I don't belong here.