Tough Cookie

"We go days without having a meaningful conversation, and i use to miss you so much when that happened, but it never seemed like you missed me. And i guess because of it, i stopped missing you."

I've said this before, when caring hurts i tend to stop. Lately it's been hard for me eversince i realized im losing yet another friend of mine which i also thought would be one of those people who'll stay close to me longer than anybody else. I was wrong, again, i stand corrected by a slight punch of reality on the face.
This is the second time one of my bestfriend act as a disappointment to me. But this time, it opened the path to the light where i make my decision that i have no one to wait anymore.

Therefore, total independence seemed like the only choice i have left for myself. It's true though, being ignored or left out from certain important people in your life does make an impact to your journey for the future. Whether you bring along some company or walk by yourself and not looking back to wait for anyone.

Many say, high school is the best period in your lifetime but i can't wait to get out of there. Same shit, different day. I see teachers who i couldn't remember their names, i see my not-so-lifelong friends, and most of all i see assholes inhabiting the school. They're more likely the opposite of the 'apple of my eyes'.

Looking at the bright side through my glasses, i had it all figured out. It's funny everytime my friendship ends, it must be somewhat connected to phonecalls.
After she called for her request, i said im fine with what she wanted. After awhile a little voice ringed, "That's one way for her to say she doesn't want to hang out with you anymore." Im good. But i feel used.

Imagine you're a book and someone finally checked you out of the library out of a million books. Imagine the feeling after they've read you, noted what's contained under those layers of skin or page, and finally after they've learned enough they throw you away as if they've sucked every skill and information out of you and that you're no use to them anymore. That's how i feel, being used.

But it wasn't that hard for me to move on. Im a tough cookie. The only relevant thing to do is looking at the bright side, "At least now i don't have to wait for anyone to catch up with me anymore."

Be Grateful

One time

Couple weeks ago i promised i'd write about songs i can relate to under 'i'm too good to play with love' entry. I had time to write about every song, well, at least that's what i thought. But i tried anyway and i only got to one singer. So here's what i think of Justin Bieber. Written last month, i think, with his songs replaying in my playlist.

Heard of him, heard of his song once before and didn't have a slight interest in him. Just a few days ago i started listening to his songs and yeah, i do have some of his songs in my playlist.

Now, i know some really hate this boy. Not me, but i don't like him either. Neither am i denying he is adorable, but dangerous. hahah

So, here's why.

Of all the songs in my playlist, when i shuffle, each song that comes out talking shit about love, oh how she/he makes you feel. Blablabullshit..stuffs that doesn't make me feel any better, ya know. But then his song came up and something about it just lightened me up :)

It opened my younger days photo album in my head. Those happy times, having fun playing, running and then of course those puppy love i had to some random boys. haha

Justin reminded me of how it felt being a kid again. How i felt when i was a little girl imagining any of my crushes would come and say he likes me too. haha!

And listening to his singing is like a kitten begging for some milk. It's adorable (okay, i mentioned that already)

Every.word.

Here goes nothing

Dear diary,
scratch that*

Dear Bloggie,

I had some dreams last couple nights. Couldn't remember parts of it. All that's left are still very vague.
My defense, even after i woke up i didn't realize i had those dreams. Until..

A picture, a shot of him came in my mind without a warn or even a string attached to any of my thoughts at the moment.
I wondered why he was wearing a black shirt in that picture. Unlike always, white shirt and an innocent look on his face. Yet, he looks, tall and sharp. Sort of, cute..caugh* in a very disturbing way. Roll eyes*

In the dream,
It has that scent or an atmosphere that something like an event is going on.
Cause everyone is wearing casual yet sharp in another perspective. I figured it could be either a class reunion or God forbid, our SPM 2010's result.
Anywho, im wearing a baju kurung and hijab (ofcourse, it's at school). Im smiling, laughing, not caring who's watching or even expecting anything. Then,

A flash, i saw it from my peripheral sight. Right then i knew it's something i've been terrified of. I didn't want to believe it, why should i since all this time it's been falsely alarmed. Why should i..
Not this time, i looked anyway, out of curiosity. We've all heard of this, curiosity kills the cat? Well, it killed me. Took my breathe away. I knew it.
He came..
Black shirt, glasses, spikey hairdo, pink lips, sharp eyes, broad shoulders, muscular, same body language, same walk, same smile..just like i last remember him.
Numb on the spot, i stand like a stone. Heavily breathing, not a single word comes out. I know what Teena must be thinking, hell, i know how her face looks like at that moment. Right behind me, she stands still not saying a word. I know she's shocked as much as i am. I know she's looking at me to see my reaction.
I know she must thought i'd faint right there. I know..I know.

"Hani..", she called me. That's all i needed to hear to snap me out of it. I looked down on the dirty floor, maybe i am fainting. Cry, damn it. Why wouldn't i cry and get this over with. Im out of tears, im out of breath. Shit.

'Close your eyes and breathe'..I instructed myself.
Finally, im breathing. I look up and i see all my friends put on their worried face. Aki, looking confused, not knowing what happened thought i had SPM panic attack. chuckle*
Everything's alright, i told myself. Just have to get the result, be grateful with it and go home, yeah, that simple. Right?

Walking to the door of the office in the hallway, i stopped.
Trying as hard as i could to hold on, looking nowhere but straight and make way for him to walk..pass me, first..
What hurts the most? Every unanswered questions pop out in my mind at once.
Does he remember me? Can he see me? Can he see through my chest and into my unhealed wound? Can't he see that im a wreck?...and, How are you?

~The End~

Like i said, its vague. I can't remember what happened next. But the emotions, it felt so real. I had to ask myself, did it really happened?
Of course not. But at least i got to say to myself, that's how you'll  react if you ever see him again, and I told you so.

Cheers to us

“This is for the girls who don’t always win, who stay up all night listening to music that inspires them to do the impossible. The girls who laugh, smile, cry, and think, all on a daily basis. The girls who like, learn, love, and regret. The girls who may not always have it easy. The girls who learn the hard way and live to tell about it. The real girls. Here’s to them. Cheers.” — Molly

He kissed her but he couldn't see her

no comment. Just absolutely loving this picture. simple yet says million words describing it's moment.

G a y

Don't you think it's, just sad when hot guys are gay? Seriously, i mean he could get any girl he wants and yet he only set eyes for men. sigh*
What a bummer.

Road for the future

So it's been months, yes months and i still haven't figure out what i want my career to be in the future. I don't know what im capable of!
It's the most frustrating thing my head has ever been thinking about. Eventually after a plenty of reseaches, i found this one site to suggest your career based on you, yourself. I did one of it's quiz and the result is kind of a bullseye. Everyone should try, http://careerpath.com/career-tests/careerplannerquiz.aspx

My Quiz Results

People with Blue interests like activities that allow them to be creative. This can be through more traditional visual arts, writing or musical pursuits although not limited to these. The creativity is often expressed in thinking of new ideas or strategies that can have a broad range of applications. Blue interests often like thinking about the future and planning for long term benefits. Hobbies include: performing or listening to music, attending theater, story telling, journaling, decorative arts, painting.


Career choices often are:
Editor
Journalist
Teacher
Strategic Planner
Consultant
Performing Arts
Marketing
Communications
Research and Development


People with Yellow strengths are good at managing details and creating sophisticated processes that allow them to get complex work done. Once a game plan has been put in place, it is implemented. Their decisions are based on facts and carefully reasoned. When working with other people, they are fair and democratic and always can be counted on to deliver what they commit to.


Hehe. Im still not sure of what i want to be. sigh
God, show me the light!

instant quote: 'People planned not to fail, but they failed to plan', it means even if you achieved your goal not to fail in the exam, you'd fail in life if you don't plan sooner.

Shoot meh!

Im obsessed with photography. Beauty in photos which can't be seen by our naked eyes. Im longing for my own camera, i adore polaroids. They're...instant beauty! you dont have to wait couple days to see what you've shot and think back what were you thinking when you took the picture or neither do you have to open your computer and seek through the files one by one just to find that one photo. Instead polaroid is instant! you see something amazing, hold the camera up, push the button and the photo comes out. love it! i want one.

The reason it's been in my head for awhile cause im thinking of an idea to lighten up my room by decorate a wall. Paint it, put some pattern maybe some textures. And then came this thought of a wall of polaroids. it'd be cool :D

Polaroid camera isn't the only one im craving for now. A digital is also in my wishlist. I love art, any form of art as long as its interesting. Since drawing, painting, singing, dancing, and designing are some of my talents which im not very good at, thats why they're my hobbies instead of the main thing i do. Photography is the best i could do. The only problem is i dont have any camera (phone's camera is out of this subject), i meant real camera. I want it, i want it. grr

Another Day

My eyes shut hard wishing i could somehow teleport myself somewhere else. Place where no one's cheering his name. And i thought to myself, this is only a minor bumper and i've already felt like this. What if the major is he himself standing right in front of me? What would i do? Or worst, will i be able to breathe?

Today, my school's headmistress retired and they held one hell of a farewell ceremony. I didn't want to come at first but i figured i got nothing to lose so i went. Thought that both my friends who insisted me to come would make it at least less boring but boy, how i was right about i should've not attended school today.
Starting was okay, but then we got to the part where i knew i'd be bored to death when Syasya and Regina start talking to themselves once we sit in the hall.
For those friends i have, some didn't come and others took part in the performances. So i stucked with those two, and dont get me wrong, i love them but it's so predictable how i'll end up. Sometimes it happens so many times to you with different friends but same attitude makes you an unofficial psychic to excellently predict what and how the rest of the day with them will go. Yes, i study people alot.

Fast forward those speeches blah blah blah and we get to the performances.
Overall it wasn't that bad. They gave their all, i like that. But then came an unexpected guest for the day, a famous local singer came and performed two of his songs. I won't mention his name here cause it's Z, he's not Z. They just have the same freakin name. Here's the problem, apparently only for me, i don't hate him but definitely not a fan of him making his appearance there. I think i was the only girl didn't waste my voice shouting for him. Blame Z for that, if i had never met Z i'd probably enjoyed his performances thoroughly.

To make this clear that im not being overly shallow i'll explain why.
He, the singer, is like the reflection of Z. They're almost the same. He was a very chubby teenager (fat is a strong word) and got thinner and muscular. He sings, plays guitar, involves in music. Those cute chinese eyes that i adore so much. The only differences are Z's alot fairer and was an ass to me.
Anything, anything that reminds me of Z makes me numb, it depresses me. Even the singer's songs remind me of him. So yeah, i was depressed he came and sang those songs which fyi, it doesn't make any sense to me why im listening to it now in my playlist. Can you blame me for being vulnerable and irritated whenever it pokes me? sigh.

Enduring the pain..that's all i can do most of the time. The crowd kept screaming his name but it was too numb to feel the excruciating pain. But i guess i should mention this, the singer did made me laugh with his undeniable cute clumsiness. Maybe that's why i don't mind listening to his songs now.

Instant Quote

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen

But it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want" -Unknown

When you know it, you know it. Nobody can say you dont know what you're feeling or that thing inside you that believes in what you know is not like how you think it is.
They dont know how it feels like to just know it.

I'm the girl who..

When I Look At You

When I Look At You by Miley Cyrus

I'm missing something i've never had.

It feels like trying to remember someone i've never met.

I'm sad. I don't know how to mend my spirit back together cause i don't know why i'm sad, you see.

I dont know what causes this grief to take over me.

I'm lost like Alice, and i want to go back home to where i was before, to where i'm supposed to be, where i belong.

But somehow i doubt 'home' will ever feel the same again once i've felt this way.

Leave a trail please, so i can find a place more comfortable for this new perspectives.