March 15, 2010

Here goes nothing

Dear diary,
scratch that*

Dear Bloggie,

I had some dreams last couple nights. Couldn't remember parts of it. All that's left are still very vague.
My defense, even after i woke up i didn't realize i had those dreams. Until..

A picture, a shot of him came in my mind without a warn or even a string attached to any of my thoughts at the moment.
I wondered why he was wearing a black shirt in that picture. Unlike always, white shirt and an innocent look on his face. Yet, he looks, tall and sharp. Sort of, cute..caugh* in a very disturbing way. Roll eyes*

In the dream,
It has that scent or an atmosphere that something like an event is going on.
Cause everyone is wearing casual yet sharp in another perspective. I figured it could be either a class reunion or God forbid, our SPM 2010's result.
Anywho, im wearing a baju kurung and hijab (ofcourse, it's at school). Im smiling, laughing, not caring who's watching or even expecting anything. Then,

A flash, i saw it from my peripheral sight. Right then i knew it's something i've been terrified of. I didn't want to believe it, why should i since all this time it's been falsely alarmed. Why should i..
Not this time, i looked anyway, out of curiosity. We've all heard of this, curiosity kills the cat? Well, it killed me. Took my breathe away. I knew it.
He came..
Black shirt, glasses, spikey hairdo, pink lips, sharp eyes, broad shoulders, muscular, same body language, same walk, same smile..just like i last remember him.
Numb on the spot, i stand like a stone. Heavily breathing, not a single word comes out. I know what Teena must be thinking, hell, i know how her face looks like at that moment. Right behind me, she stands still not saying a word. I know she's shocked as much as i am. I know she's looking at me to see my reaction.
I know she must thought i'd faint right there. I know..I know.

"Hani..", she called me. That's all i needed to hear to snap me out of it. I looked down on the dirty floor, maybe i am fainting. Cry, damn it. Why wouldn't i cry and get this over with. Im out of tears, im out of breath. Shit.

'Close your eyes and breathe'..I instructed myself.
Finally, im breathing. I look up and i see all my friends put on their worried face. Aki, looking confused, not knowing what happened thought i had SPM panic attack. chuckle*
Everything's alright, i told myself. Just have to get the result, be grateful with it and go home, yeah, that simple. Right?

Walking to the door of the office in the hallway, i stopped.
Trying as hard as i could to hold on, looking nowhere but straight and make way for him to walk..pass me, first..
What hurts the most? Every unanswered questions pop out in my mind at once.
Does he remember me? Can he see me? Can he see through my chest and into my unhealed wound? Can't he see that im a wreck?...and, How are you?

~The End~

Like i said, its vague. I can't remember what happened next. But the emotions, it felt so real. I had to ask myself, did it really happened?
Of course not. But at least i got to say to myself, that's how you'll  react if you ever see him again, and I told you so.