December 12, 2009

And you left me hanging

P.S: Long reading. Not willing to read? Suit yourself.

"You're so typical", it's weird that it tickles me abit as it plays continuously in my head.

Right or Wrong, does it matter if i correct it anyway?
Cause i know mine is not excellently correct 100%

True, true, true, and true.
Wait, you forgot to list a few more.
It was my choice to write you those letters in hoping that something could've been done before its too late.
It was my choice to look back when i could've just walk straight & fade in distance.
It was my choice to still care about your well-being when i could've just say "Whatever".
It was my choice to give your birthday present eventhough my devil side said, "Just forget it".
It was my choice to called you when i could've just left you clueless.
It was my choice to let out the reasons so that at least you know why & wouldnt blame me flatly.
It was my choice not to let that last midnight conversation on the line ended with more unsettled questions.
It was my choice to come up with the only solution i thought was best for us.
It was my choice to asked you first if you're okay with that.
It was my choice to called you back after the line disconnected before you could say the answer.
It was my choice to dialed your number again when the first trial disconnected halfway through your caller ringtone.
It was my choice to put down the phone & just let it flow after the second trial disconnected, again.

But it was your choice, to left me, hanging there, on the line, without an answer or conclusion, twice, in one night. *breathe
If i've chosen to stop talking, would i called you? If i've chosen to stop caring, would i even writing this now? If i've chosen to move on, tell me dear, why am i still waiting for your unanswered answer?

You know why i said this is just exactly the same when it was with Z?
Im too soft. too many reasons i keep telling myself so that i can give you another chance, then another, another and another.
I told you, i'll corrupt.
When every single chance i gave fail miserably, its like watching every piece of hope or spirit that i've given away breaks into pieces.
It makes me weak & i hate being weak.
Who picked up every pieces? Who merged all back together?
Who stopped the bleeding, treated the cuts & bruises? Who should've been protecting it?
Me, myself & I.

I think i've said & written it all.
In the 'Letters' under October posts,
'Overloading Thoughts' & 'What Are We Doing?' somewhere in November,
recently in December, 'Just for you, Bestie' & this.

Im tired, so tired.

Nothing can change the past. We can only make this present better. So we dont have to face the future with more regrets.
Im not asking either of us to change the way we act. Im not asking for apologies.
Im not making any decision myself, hell, i never even say its over or done.
So im ending this post informing that for now, all im looking for is for both to understand the story here & not missing any details. Cause i sense you've missed a couple.