I hope this will cheer you up cause it sure made me LOL.
A tourist couple driving through La Jolla start arguing about how to pronounce the name of the town. So they stop for lunch, and while they're ordering, they ask the cashier, "Can you tell us where we are? How do you pronounce it?" The employee replies, speaking slowly, "Burrrr-gerrrrr Kiiiiiiiing."
An old married couple had four boys. The older three had red hair and light skin, the youngest had black hair and dark eyes. On his deathbed, the father turned to his wife and said, "Honey, be honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything holy, he is your son." Then he passed away. The wife then said, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
A cruise ship passes a small desert island. Everyone watches as a ratty-looking bearded man runs out on the beach and starts shouting and waving his hands.
"Who's that?" asks one of the passengers.
"I have no idea," replies the captain. "But every year we sail past and he goes nuts."
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor asks, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, get this guy off my ass."
One day a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Okay, send me your mother."
After dinner, two elderly women retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat. One of the men says, "Last night we went out to a great new restaurant." The other asks, "What's it called?" The first man knits his brow in concentration and finally says, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friend replies, "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the first man says. "The poppy?" wonders his friend. "No," growls the man. "You know, the one with thorns!" "Do you mean a rose?" asks the other man. "Yes, that's it!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
A man's talking to his friend and he says, "I'm about to go on vacation, and I don't know what to do." His buddy asks, "Why?" And the man says, "Well, last year's vacation was Hawaii. Came back, and the wife was pregnant. The year before that was the Bahamas. Came back, the wife was pregnant. The year before that, Paris. Came back, wife pregnant. His buddy asks, "So what are you going to do differently this year?" And the guy says, "Well, this year I'm going to bring the wife."
A blond goes into an electronics store and asks, "How much is this TV?" The salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds." So she dyes her hair and comes back as a brunette. "How much is this TV?" she asks. Again the salesman says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blonds." A few weeks later she goes in as a redhead, but again he announces, "We don't sell to blonds!" Finally she says, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blond?" The salesman says, "Because it's not a TV. It's a microwave."
One night, on a camping trip, Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says, "Look at the stars. What do you deduce?" Watson thinks for a minute and says, "Well, I see millions of stars, many of which resemble our sun, which most likely have their own planets, which most likely have life-forms like us, so I deduce that there is life on other planets." And Sherlock says, "No, you idiot, someone's stolen our tent."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the f* away from me."
A man sits alone on the couch with his soon-to-be mother-in-law and the family dog. The man is so nervous that his stomach begins to hurt and — "Pfft!" — he accidentally lets out a little gas. He's horrified until the mother-in-law yells, "Rocco!" And the man thinks, She thinks it's the dog! So he lets another one rip, and the mother-in-law yells, "Rocco!" again. Feeling confident now, the man lets out a really loud, big, fat, wet one — "PFFFFFFT!" And she yells, "Rocco! Come here before that pervert shits on you, too!"
The CIA is interviewing three potential agents — two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
"You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife."
"Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interviewer.
The second man is given the same instructions. Five minutes later, he emerges with tears in his eyes and says, "I can't."
Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, she comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow. "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she says. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."